aLive from New York...

How I Know I've Arrived

2008-04-02T17:33:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I got a press release from Troma Entertainment (the film company that gave the world such B-movie classics as The Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die) about their new film, Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. I let them know that I wouldn't be able to make the press screenings (since they are during the middle of the work day), but would love to get a screener. And this afternoon (that's 1 day later, folks) I get this envelope from Troma containing a a letter addressed "Dear Important Media Person" and a DVD featuring sing alongs for the songs from Poultrygeist (cleverly titled "Kara-Yolk-E"). Awesome. Except when I tried to share my excitement with my coworkers, I never got past the initial, "You guys know Troma, right?" Fortunately, my pal Ricky from 23/6 stopped by and was not only familiar with Troma, but interned there years ago. He told me about how they only send things out to the brightest and most worthy media members, and that by receiving this package it pretty much meant I was the shit. Actually, what he said was more along the lines of "Troma? I used to work for them. Those guys are dicks." Whatever.

I Could Beat Up 25 Five Year Olds

2008-03-25T16:48:00.000-04:00

Weekly Video Roundup

2008-03-16T13:13:00.004-04:00

My favorite video of the week:

Looks like one commenter didn't find my editing too funny:

"I watched this clip this morning on MSNBC internet. She did not say cat balls - she also went on to read the cursive word baby. Even if she did say cat balls, at less than 2 the words this video showed her reading were amazing. Why must we always take something and try to make it less or more than it is? Shame on the person who made this clip and cherry picked what they wanted and left the rest out. The baby clearly went on to say throw the ball."

Shame on me. And shame on the rest of my picks for this week's must see videos:
Must See Videos: Illiterate Baby, Brainless Beauties, Squabbling Reporters, and More!

Need Your Knives Sharpened?

2008-03-15T19:03:00.005-04:00

During a stroll through Brooklyn's beautiful Fort Greene neighborhood, Katie and I encountered this vintage truck. It cruises the streets, ringing a loud bell along the way, alerting anyone in the area to bring out their knives and scissors. The drivers then sharpen the cutlery in the back of the truck. Perfect for that Patrick Bateman type who doesn't have the time to make the trip to wherever you actually get knives sharpened. And according to a sign on the back, it is Kosher-friendly.

Found in SoHo

2008-03-10T16:57:00.002-04:00

Every phone number tab is ripped off. Is there really that much demand for learning to juggle in SoHo?

This Week

2008-03-09T10:43:00.006-04:00

In Random Videos.

Must See Video: Mean Queen, G-String Love, Tyra Sniffs Pits, and More!

I had fun using my primitive editing skills to make The Queen look like an evil dictator. Hope you enjoy. Also, the face that the old lady in that video makes after settling down from the gunshots (not the scared face, but the face she makes when the camera cuts back to her) is probably the funniest real facial expression* I've ever seen on television. It's all in that right eyebrow.
*Funniest fake facial expressions on television goes to Tim and Eric, of course.

Most British Sounding Name

2008-03-05T18:05:00.003-04:00

I would like to nominate this bloke from the Queen's Royal Court:

Spam of the Day

2008-03-05T10:55:00.000-04:00

Somehow this one landed in my inbox. See if you can guess the nationality of the sender. I vote for Russian.

From GeraldsoonJimenez@foodnetwork.com

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Dont worry! You have marvelous chance to solve this trouble.
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You'll be a king of bed sure enough.
http://goriedeia.com

John McCain Is Your Jalopy

2008-03-04T18:09:00.004-04:00

My new favorite website is John McCain Is Your Jalopy. It's a hilarious response to Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle. A few favorites from the John McCain version:

-John McCain got lost somewhere in Best Buy
-John McCain is trying to answer his wallet
-John McCain is fixing that with tape
-John McCain is paying for that sandwich with a check
-John McCain tips 9%

and of course

-John McCain prefers Leno

This Kid Is Pretty Much My Hero

2008-03-03T14:32:00.002-04:00

I believe this is the definition of "chutzpah."

Are You In Realty? Yes? Then I Probably Hate You.

2008-03-01T20:06:00.005-04:00

Since moving to New York we've come across our fair share of obnoxious realtors. There was the one who placed us in our first apartment, an attractive woman in her mid to late 30's who made us wait for an hour or so in her lobby before meeting with us. She attempted to live vicariously through her 9-year-old son by entering him into the exciting world of child acting. There was the woman who had a mini break down when she found out the building owner locked the door to the apartment we were supposed to see. After trying every key on her keychain, she said, loudly, "He was supposed to leave this unlocked! I don't have the keys for this! What am I supposed to do???" Easy, lady. We don't want to live in Washington Heights anyway. There was the smooth-talking Jewish guy who showed up late to our appointment and kept his car parked illegally across the street while he showed us the apartment. He delivered the sell line that must work on 95% of his clients, "You guys ever been in a big apartment?", right before opening the door to a palatial 800 sq. foot apartment. WOW!!! I'll take three of them!!! Unfortunately, we couldn't find out a lot about this place because he spent 4 of the 5 minutes we were there on his cell phone, arranging his next appointment.

Now we're looking for new digs, and I think I came across the worst apartment listing EVER. It's a 1BR going for $1600 in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. Pretty reasonable price, depending on the section of the neighborhood. But the pictures. Oh god the pictures.

The apartment comes complete with a floor.

Pay the first two months upfront and we'll throw in this door to a black hole.

Did I mention the apartment has a floor? And yellow lighting?

There's even a rape den. Ready to sign?

These were all the pictures in the ad. This realtor had a space on the page for 4 pictures, and she carefully chose these. Are you fucking kidding me, Rapid Realty? The sad thing about this is that the apartment is probably already rented. And it probably rented for more than the asking price. So if you're a douchebag and you have a digital camera and a shaky hand, why don't you come on up to New York and sell apartments? We've been waiting for someone special like you!

And now my weekly video round-up:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/02/29/must-see-video-will-ferr_n_89173.html

The Will Ferrell video is pretty funny and the shadow puppeteer won my entire family over, but this Hillary and Barack mashup is my favorite, mostly because of its fucking awesome soundtrack:

Ram It!

2008-02-25T12:44:00.002-04:00

My favorite video of this week's batch:

The rest of my favorite videos from this week can be found here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/02/22/must-see-video-a-talking_n_87449.html

I'm Hillary Clinton, And I Did Not Endorse This Video

2008-02-19T12:50:00.004-04:00

It's never too late to link to my Must See Videos column on Huffington Post. And just a friendly reminder, you can always find the feature on HuffPo's front page, Friday night though Monday morning. Just look for "Must See" and a nice little picture like the one below.

Why did I choose this awful Hillary song to lead the pack? Because this video is timeless. It looks like it's from the 80's. It's fucking huge right now. And it will stick around until the end of time. Don't fight it. Just watch it. A lot.

Hulk Hogan and Barack Obama: Real Americans

2008-02-01T17:44:00.001-04:00

So I guess the big news that everyone is talking about this week is Hulk Hogan's endorsement of Barack Obama on Jimmy Kimmel. What? You missed that? Well I was determined to give this story the coverage it needed anyway, so at the suggestion of my co-worker Will, I made a little mash-up of Hulk Hogan's awesome theme song from the 80's, "Real American," with footage from Obama dancing on "Ellen." That's right, the same Obama dancing footage that landed my name on CNN (squint really hard, I swear it's on the screen somewhere). And now here's the result of way too much work:

Well Look Who's Back

2008-01-25T18:33:00.000-04:00

I know what you're thinking.
"You haven't blogged here since September. You think you can just waltz right back into our lives and post pictures of your cat and we'll still care?"

Yes?
Look, I'm sorry. I promise to blog more frequently. And if you haven't already done so, sign up for an RSS reader (I use Google Reader). It's the best way to read and manage multiple websites. Then you'll be alerted when my blog has been updated and you won't be pissed everytime you come here and see my stupid Hawaiian Wall again.

The real reason I'm coming back is that John Mayer stopped blogging. And since my friend Liz asked me to pick up his slack, here I am. Now on with the blogging.

Lately I've come to the realization that I'm somewhat of a nerd. I didn't get bullied in grade school, and I'm not still a virgin (accidentally grazing a woman's breast on the subway counts, right?), but I'm still pretty geeky. I watch Attack of the Show everyday. I constantly read technology blogs like Engadget and Gizmodo. I have a slight obsession with anything David Cronenberg makes, including his lesser known films, like Scanners and Videodrome. I call movies "films". I come very close to tears when a friend or family member who doesn't know any better gets me a full screen DVD. As anyone who has heard my voicemail knows, I own an iPhone and it is the love of my life. I stack cups. I have three plastic guitars, three microphones, and one plastic drum set in my living room, ready to be used with my karaoke, Rock Band, and Guitar Hero video games. I'm a complete comedy nerd. I even post YouTube videos of commercials starring my favorite funny people for a comedy nerd website.

So I thought it was pretty safe to classify me as a nerd. Until I came across a website called CoolMiniOrNot.com, via BoingBoing (another nerdy site, proven by the fact that they think the pictures on CoolMiniOrNot.com are "nothing short of breathtaking"). This is a site where people post pictures of miniature figurines that they have spent dozens of hours painting or sculpting. Readers then vote on the coolness of these sculptures and even have a chance to buy them. I'm not making fun of these guys, I'm just relieved to find out there is a level of dorkdom that I will never reach.

In other news, I still have the best job in the world (watching TV all day), and I still post my favorite clips from the week's best and worst television every weekend. You can find this week's installment here. And here's my favorite clip from this week: it's "Oprah Out of Context."

New Job, New Hood

2007-09-22T13:19:00.000-04:00

Hey Dad and those other 2 people that still read my blog. Sorry for the slow pace around here these days. I've had a lot less free time on my hands since I've recently been hired by the Huffington Post as their new video guy. My job is awesome. I watch TV all day looking for the most newsworthy clips and then post them on the site. My first week on the job was a busy one. We had Sherri Shepherd proving she's not smarter than a fifth grader, then giving an explanation that didn't really help her case. There was that wonderful press conference from our favorite president where he bumped his college grades up a letter (recognize those sloppy photoshop skills on the transcript image?). Bill O'Reilly expressed his love for Sally Field. Do you think he watches "Brothers and Sisters" too? A cell phone salesman sang opera on "Today" and nailed it! Dan Rather socked it to CBS and explained his case to Larry King. And America was taken back to simpler times with a court appearance from the Juice, where he seemed shocked by the 11 charges filed against him.

Katie and I also moved to Brooklyn this month and have been logging several hours working on the new apartment, like transforming this ordinary wall...
into a Hawaiian paradise!
So far we're really enjoying our new hood. Some people call it Ditmas Park, I'm just gonna call it Flatbush. We have Veggie Castle, one of the best vegan restaurants in New York City, just a quick walk away. We've got 2 natural markets competing against each other, and when we miss home we have a supermarket that we can get lost in just a couple blocks away. The supermarket has a Redbox in it, which is probably the most exciting thing ever, but I'll have to devote a separate post to this another day. The neighborhood is made up of mostly Carribean people, who have proven to be a lot nicer than the crowds in Manhattan. Unlike in Hell's Kitchen, where the people in our own building wouldn't even make eye contact with us, our neighbors here actually exhibit human-like emotions. People introduce themselves to us, welcome us to the building and the neighborhood, nod and smile when we pass each other on the street, and say awesome things like "Ya Mon" when we say hi. We were carrying stuff home one day when one of our bags ripped open and everything fell out. A lady in a car drove up and offered us some spare plastic bags. Wow! We even had an old lady at the supermarket offer to trade her cart for our handbaskets after watching us load them up. This would never happen in Manhattan. Manhattanites go out of their way to avoid human contact. The only contact I had in a Manhattan grocery store was when an old man in an electric wheelchair rolled over my big toe. I was wearing sandals at the time. It was not the kind of contact I prefer.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, we have a dishwasher. Nuff said.

BREAKING NEWS: Rob Riggle is NOT in Iraq

2007-08-22T18:09:00.000-04:00

Shocking news to report at this hour: Rob Riggle is safe at home in New York City. I attended today's taping of "The Daily Show" to see what all the fuss about this Barack Obama guy is and ended up stumbling upon The Daily Show's dirty little secret. As you probably know by now, Rob Riggle went to Iraq last week to perform for the troops with UCB Theater all-stars Rob Huebel, Paul Scheer, and Horatio Sanz. Riggle was supposed to stay in Iraq this week and report live each night for "The Daily Show". The rest of the crew came home early. I spotted Horatio at McManus this past Sunday, but I'm not sure if he came back with everybody else or left separately. I'm pretty sure Riggle was actually in Iraq during Monday's broadcast. But last night's "live" report from Riggle seemed like it was taped in the studio. It looked the same on screen as tonight's report did- a camera effect was used to make Riggle's image grainier and he waited a few seconds before answering each question to make it look like there was a satellite delay. Judge for yourself.

As soon as I saw Riggle come out today and get in position for the bit I thought they would pretend he was in Iraq and then have him walk behind Jon or do something in Jon's shot that would indicate he was back in New York. But they made no mention of it in the "live report" and didn't say anything about it to the audience. Jon even said "Be safe" at the end of the segment. Before Riggle left he gave a mischievous smile and a wave to the audience. So what's the deal? Why the lies, wiseguys?

Related: My first visit to "The Daily Show"

The Fly

2007-08-07T14:47:00.000-04:00

Yesterday a fly landed on my copy of "The Fly". Today I'm puting "1 Night in Paris" on the top shelf and crossing my fingers.

My 7-11 is a Kwik-E-Mart

2007-07-25T16:18:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to regurgitate the countless news posts related to the transformation of 7-11 stores into Kwik-E-Marts, if you don't know about this by now then you're just hopeless. I'll just show you the pictures from my 7-11. That's right, my little old Midtown 7-11, just 5 minutes from my home, is a Kwik-E-Mart.
That's a lot of Buzz Cola.

He didn't say "Thank you come again".

Related: Mer visits the Maryland Kwik-E-Mart

John Mayer and Eric Clapton

2007-07-20T10:31:00.000-04:00

This summer I've been taking advantage of the many free outdoor events going on in the city. Last month I saw Rihanna perform in Rockefeller Plaza. Last night I saw Horatio Sanz and Rob Riggle host an awesome night of music and comedy in Central Park, featuring Demetri Martin, Reggie Watts, and Slovin and Allen. And this morning I saw John Mayer and Eric Clapton in Bryant Park. I woke up at 7:55, arrived at Bryant Park at 8:10, and only had to wait for 20 minutes until the mini-concert started. He performed "Waiting on the World to Change", "Dreaming with a Broken Heart", and "Vultures". Clapton joined JM for a cover of "Crossroads" by Cream. It was awesome to see Clapton in person, but it went by way too fast. He walked on, sang half of the first verse and a little in the end, wailed on the cleanest solos I've ever heard, and walked off without saying a word. Still- Clapton, for free, blocks from my apartment, I can't complain. Between songs JM kept the crowd entertained, at one point saying "I'd like to take all of you out for an omelette if I can." Before he performed "Vultures", which wasn't part of the GMA broadcast, he said he was going to try a little experiment- to see if he could do one song without guitar face. He was unsuccessful.

Gay Pride Parade '07

2007-06-25T13:51:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was the annual Pride Parade in New York City. Here's what you missed.

Mayor Bloomberg (far left) looking FABULOUS! as usual.
My favorite picture. Even New York City's finest can't resist the urge to hit on this hottie.
There's some sort of subtle message here, but I just can't figure it out.

Dildo gun for entertainment purposes only.
I kind of expected some sort of Gay Santa to appear at the end of the parade, but I had to settle with this.

Rififi Nights or Reggie Watts vs. The Cockroach

2007-06-06T12:05:00.000-04:00

Up until this week I've had pretty normal experiences at Rififi, the popular East Village bar that hosts alternative comedy shows, burlesque acts, and free horror movie screenings. Until this weekend, I only knew the back room at Rififi as the space that hosts Invite Them Up on Wednesdays and various other comedy shows throughout the week. I've spent many a night standing or sitting in that dark room, watching Zach Galifianakis test the limits of the audience, laughing at Demetri Martin as he comments on the absurdities of English colloquialisms, or just sitting patiently through one of David Cross's sets.

But this past Saturday opened my eyes to the other uses of the back room. After taking advantage of an open bar a few blocks away, we strolled over to Rififi, where we were nearly defeated by a strict cover policy.

Guy at door: Hey guys, the cover's gonna be $8 each.

Us: Oh shit, that's alright then. (Turn to walk away)

Guy at door: You know what, just come on in.

Once in, we passed the 10 people in the front room and made our way to the completely dark back room, where one person was dancing to rave-like music that was accompanied with a trippy video featuring seizure inducing flashes and images of Garbage Pail Kids. Before I knew it, the floor was packed with a strange crowd of East Villagers, including a topless, rougher version of Daphne Rubin-Vega, who was wearing a giant Flavor-Flav style "K" necklace and what appeared to be eye black, the greasy, paint-like substance that baseball players use to reduce glare. Only she had it on her whole body.

Just when I thought my Rififi episodes couldn't get any weirder, last night ushered in a whole new level of creepiness. It was the first night of Reggie Watt's June residency at Rififi. Reggie is an amazing comedian/musician who's beatboxing skills make American Idol's Blake Lewis look like, well... Blake Lewis. Not only does Reggie provide his own improvised beats for his music, he lays down vocalized bass lines, melodies, and even three part harmonies that evoke memories of my favorite R&B crooner, Maxwell. Videos on his MySpace page can give you an idea of what he's all about, but until you've seen him live you really can't appreciate his amazingness. Anyway, we arrived a few minutes late to the 10pm show, but Reggie wasn't even there yet. The show started around 10:30, and Reggie apologized for his tardiness. Because there were no guests at last night's show, we got to see Reggie in all his glory, not just speeding through a 10 or 15 minute set. He riffed on everything from the 2008 presidential election to the Mayan calender prediction of the "time of no time" in 2011/2012. He did a ton of songs, all of which were amazing.

But the crazy part of the show came near the end of his 70 minute set. We noticed a huge cockroach creeping up the privacy screen next to the stage. Other audience members noted the presence of the giant bug and laughed. Little did we know the terror we would soon endure. As soon as I took my eye off the cockroach I saw something fly past me in my peripheral vision. People began paying closer attention as the cockroach had now landed on the doors to the backroom. When it flew over our heads and landed on the wall next to us, the panic began. Girls behind me shrieked and I stood up, thinking it was on my chair or something. Reggie commented on the craziness onstage, not yet realizing the magnitude of the situation. When I told him there was a cockroach next to us that was flying around the room, Reggie began to understand the gravity of the situation. Katie and I moved to the row in front of us, knowing the cockroach was creeping its way near our present location. Reggie stopped and asked if we had been hit. We told him we were safe for the time being, but Reggie knew what had to be done. And like Bill Pullman in "Independence Day", he stepped into action and launched the attack we never hoped to witness in our lifetime. "We have to kill this thing," he said. It flew to another part of the wall and the crowd was now in hysterics.

A brave young soldier known only by the name of "Jacob" took his shoe off and sprung up from the front row, ready to go to war with the evil-doer. After a few misses and near-hits, he killed the cockroach and saved the day. The crowd cheered and burst into applause and Reggie remarked, "You don't know how much trouble it was to get an animatronic bug to fly around the room." After the show I apologized for any part I may have played in upstaging the show, but Reggie thought the event added some excitement to the night. We agreed that the events, while harrowing and ultimately tragic, unified the crowd. It was something we all had to get through together, and we did. Reggie was our Giuliani, if you will, remaining cool, calm, and collected, while Jacob fought the enemy front with unsophisticated weaponry and a lack of tactical body armor.

None of the audience members from that fateful night will ever be the same. As we go along in our daily lives we will see things that remind us of the horrors of 6/5: car antennas, leaf shadows on the wall, Tucker Carlson, but we don't have to live in fear. Last night showed us that if we can get through that, we can get through anything. Next Tuesday Reggie will be back with an all new show. This time human guests will join in on the fun, so make sure you check it out.

Reggie displays the dead roach that fell on his keyboard (10th key from the top). The shoe that sealed its fate can be seen resting on Reggie's loop pedal.

Criss Angel in my Hood

2007-06-05T08:05:00.000-04:00

Unless you've been living in a cement block for the past week, you've heard about Criss Angel and his latest mind-blowing stunt. To promote the third season of his show, "Criss Angel: Mindfreak", he entered a box that was hoisted 40 ft. into the air and then filled with cement. He was handcuffed before getting in, and the deal was that he had to escape before 24 hours had passed, when the box would come crashing to the ground.

What made this whole spectacle really awesome is that it went down just 2 blocks away from me, so I knew I had to check it out. When I walked by on the way to work it was raining, so there was hardly a crowd at all. It was around 9 AM on Monday, and the box was only about 15 or 20 feet in the air. It didn't look like there was any cement in there yet, because I could see him lying down on the floor of the box with his feet planted on the walls. When I walked home from work at 5:45 they were finishing off the cement pouring process and the box was at it's max height. You couldn't see him at this point.

This morning I woke up early to go check out the mayhem. I checked the live webcam before leaving to make sure he hadn't left yet. The countdown clock was down to 14 minutes, so I grabbed my camera and headed out. I got there 4 minutes later. The crowd was huge, at least a couple hundred people were packed in the parking lot where the block was dropping. I joined a small crowd across the street and waited for the magic to happen. The pic above shows the box in the top right corner, right in front of the top level of the parking garage. I felt a little weird pretending to care what happened to Chris, especially since I took part in spoofing him just a few months ago. There was a black-haired woman in her 40's standing next to me yelling "Get out!!! Get out, Chris!!!" Girls tugged on their checkered suspenders and boys used their My Chemical Romance shirts to wipe the nervous sweat from their brows. At 7:30 AM the block dropped with a loud bang. Criss was nowhere to be found. Everyone stood in silence, and right before the lady next to me had a heart attack, Chris appeared on a scaffolding completely separate from where the block was. Everyone's minds were blown. Criss came down to greet his fans and even came across the street where I was. I gave him a slap on his sweaty shoulder as he walked by. I haven't washed my hands yet, I'm hoping the magic has rubbed off into this post. As I left, I heard a guy talking to someone on his cell phone, "Dude, that was the whackest shit ever."

Criss, seconds after escaping, is lowered down to greet the fans.

Criss stands in front of the only thing that outfreaks him, the church of scientology.

Cash Cab On My Block

2007-05-30T20:17:00.000-04:00

I've been watching Cash Cab for a couple of years now, and since moving to New York, I pay very close attention to the whereabouts of this money-dispensing game show in a van. Even though it seems like the cash cab keeps to the east side of town, and I rarely take cabs anyway, I still look out for it everytime I'm out. And I know it's been in my neighborhood before, because I've seen episodes where it's cruising down 9th Avenue, going under the Port Authority bus ramps, even picking up contestants right in front of Chickpea's vet! But today's episode hit a little too close to home. The cash cab was on my block. Not just my street. My block, people. It picked up 4 tourists from the bed and breakfast across the street and a few doors down from my building. If I only used my time wisely last week, I would've taken my camping chair out front and sat and waited all day until the famous cab pulled off of 10th Ave. onto my street. Then I would've hailed it down and taken it to Coney Island, racking up the most money ever awarded on the show. But instead, these 4 tourists who didn't even know about the show get the cab ride of a lifetime. I can only hope that this pick-up was one of those set-up pick-ups. Maybe the show's producers know one of the B&B employees, who tipped them off that this would be a rowdy bunch, worthy of camera time and the $850 they eventually won. Or maybe not.

I'll get you next time, Cash Cab.

Here are those lucky sons of guns getting picked up in front of the B&B across from my apt.

That church behind Ben Bailey is just a few doors down from my building!!!

That's my street corner!!!!!!!

Mets Take Over ESB

2007-05-23T22:10:00.000-04:00

As an avid watcher of the Empire State Building and it's always-changing light schedule, I was really excited to see the building this weekend with a split-color lighting design. In celebration of the Subway Series, the north and south sides sported Yankees colors (blue-white-blue) and the east and west sides repped Mets colors (blue-orange-blue), allowing Yankees fans in the Bronx and Mets fans in Queens to see their team colors from their respective stadiums. Monday night the building wore the colors of the series winner, the Mets.

After trying 50 times to take the perfect picture of the weekend light spectacular, I settled with this one from the internet (left).

(Below) Monday's lights, as seen from my roof. Try to ignore the massive new NY Times Building in the foreground.

Bloggers Take Over Human Giant

2007-05-19T19:23:00.000-04:00

This weekend the Human Giant guys took over MTV for a live, 24-hour marathon featuring musical performances, a few music videos, and sketches with some of the UCBT's most popular performers. Highlights included Zach Galifianakis yelling for the Gilmore Girls ("Kill More Girls!"), John Krasinski in a stand-off situation with Michael Cera and Rob Riggle, rap sensation Cracked Out rapping about what it is to be "Bennigan'z", a hilarious performance by Zouks as "Bryce" the obsessive fan, and two appearances that brought out my possessive side when I realized all of America could see them: Nick Kroll as Fabrice Fabrice, craft services coordinator for "That's So Raven", and John Mulaney and Nick Kroll as the Oh, Hello guys. The marathon also featured this season's Human Giant episodes, culminating in a sneak preview of this week's season finale. If you look closely (I mean really closely), you can catch an appearance by yours truly and friends in the latest Illusionators sketch. We took part in the filming a few months ago on a freezing cold Monday night before a Crash Test. My co-star Katy blogged about the experience. Now you can finally see the fruits of our labor.

Here I am with my Melinda Doolittle impersonation (they say the camera adds 10 pounds and removes your neck).

Aziz catches the missle with his body. Paul mourns, Katie scowls.

Catch the season finale of Human Giant this Thursday at 10:30 on MTV.

Showtime at the Apollo!

2007-04-20T10:42:00.000-04:00

When my friend Taylor came to visit a couple of months ago, I took him to our favorite vegan restaurant, Uptown Juice Bar on 125th St. (which, despite it's name, is actually a vegan soul food cafateria-style eatery). I thought it would give him a great oppurtunity to see the heart of Harlem and also all those funny hats black people wear to church. The food was incredible, as usual. There were a couple of Black Panthers eating in the back room with us, which I thought was a pretty unique Harlem experience.
When we left, I spotted the Apollo Theater a few blocks down and remembered that Taylor and I used to watch Showtime at the Apollo like it was our job. That show was seriously a staple of our development. Steve Harvey and his zoot suits and church jokes, and "The Sandman" (a Portsmouth, VA native) sweeping booed-off contestants off the stage. Taylor and I would stand and boo with the audiences, swaying our arms from side to side with our fingers pointed in "Get off the stage" style. We watched that show so much that we knew the fate of each contestant as soon as they stepped out onstage and rubbed that lucky tree stump. If they were doing an original song, especially a rap, they were gone before the 2nd line of the first verse. If they were singing "His Eye Is On the Sparrow" they were safe. And if they were a middle-aged, balding white guy doing a Louis Armstrong impersonation, surprisingly enough they were cheered for.

So you get the point that we love the Apollo. Well imagine our excitement then, when we walked to the Apollo and were given free tickets to a taping of "Showtime at the Apollo" that was to begin in an hour. They were taping a bunch of shows for the spring/summer, featuring a slew of guest hosts, such as Whoopi Goldberg, Sinbad, and even Rosie O'Donnell. Our guest host was Anthony Anderson, comedic actor and rapist extraordinaire. We waited in line for a little while, and were treated to the passionate rantings of Black Panthers members, some of the same ones who were at Uptown Juice Bar. They were speaking out against the media and it's glorification of skinny and white females. They spoke out against shows like "America's Next Top Model" for confusing the true beauty of the black woman. Their signs read "Respect the Black Woman" and "We Are Not Niggers".
On with the fun! So once we got into the Apollo and found some seats in the balcony, we realized how amazingly beautiful the theater is in person. I was so envious of the people who got to sit in the private box seats (booth seats?) on the side. One guy in the box closest to us was almost more fun to watch than the contestants themselves. He would stand-up for every contestant and sing every word along with them, from popular R&B songs of yesteryear to the most obscure gospel song. Singing is understating it. The veins in his neck looked like they were about to burst he was singing so hard. When a bunch of people in my section starting booing a pretty Hispanic girl in a tight dress he turned to us and ordered us to give her a chance. When my section continued booing he turned back to the singer and motioned for her to forget us and "Go on, girl." She wasn't paying attention to any of this, of course, but moral support never hurts.

Before the show some staffers tried to get the audience's hopes up by saying things like "Usher to the dressing room" and "R. Kelly to the dressing room". Unfortunately, our musical guest for the night was some guy named Noel Gourdin, a Frankie J-esque crooner who won over the females with his silky voice and pelvic thrusts to the mic stand. Anthony Anderson was alright, nothing special. He didn't do any stand-up, just did some off the cuff stuff about audience members and performers. His funniest moment came when he mocked this Japanese dancer who's won the dance portion of the show for something like 3 months in a row. He tried to duplicate some of the guy's moves and ended up doing a front flip and landing flat on his back with a loud thud. It looked pretty painful, but he played it off by doing the splits.

Since we were sitting in the balcony we thought we were safe from any terrible warm-up comics, but oh were we wrong. Some warm-up guy was asking the hispanic woman next to us about her black husband, then he spotted us and said "Oh, look, she brought her whole family." We made huge hand motions to signify that we were not, in fact, part of this family, but it didn't work. "There go Greg, Bobby, and Marcia Brady!". We played along out of kindness, then we held a press conference and he got fired from CBS Radio.

Anyway, if you're ever in Harlem and have this oppurtunity, take it! It was such an awesome experience. If you want to see the show in it's edited format (with shots of the audience laughing at nothing spliced into Anthony Anderson's lines), it's airing in NYC this Saturday night at 1 AM on NBC, right after Saturday Night Live (local listings may vary).

UPDATE: Taylor made it on the show!

Meet the Mets!

2007-04-14T19:09:00.000-04:00

This week we went to opening night* at Shea Stadium to see the Mets take on the Phillies, thanks to my journey to Brooklyn to give blood for tickets. It was by far one of the worst games I've ever seen, live or televised. Not just because the Mets lost, but because they didn't even lose in style. In one inning alone they walked the bases loaded and walked home 3 runs! Come on Mets. Jeez. But it was still a very exciting experience. I fulfilled my life-long dream of visiting Shea, and we got to see several cool things.

I was doing back flips in my seat when I saw that Art Garfunkel was the national anthem singer for the night! It was the quietest version of the Star Spangled Banner I've ever heard, but it was awesome. And during the song, some Mets fan in our section turned around and saw three Williamsburg-esque hipsters sitting down in the row behind him, so he said "Get up!" and waved his bag of Peanuts he was holding in a "Get the fuck up now, you brats" motion. The hipsters sheepishly stood up and the guy kept turning around to make sure they were standing throughout the song. That was a happy moment in my life.

The blood tickets were ironically in the nose-bleed section (haven't I given enough?), so we moved to a closer section after a few innings. I was worried we were going to annoy the family behind us, but later I heard one of the kids say (in a thick New York accent), "Dad, Dad, Dad, we were all the way up there and now we're down here!". Other people break rules too!

It was the coldest baseball game I've ever been to, the only one I've worn winter gloves and ear warmers to. And it snowed for several innings. Later, a cat ran on the field. I have no idea how it got anywhere near Shea, but this little orange guy stopped the game for a few seconds while they opened a gate in left field for him to exit the field.

Towards the end of the game we noticed a couple of sections behind home plate yelling and booing some poor spectator. Loud, organized chants of "Yankees Suck!" followed, and security gaurds came to escort a guy wearing a Derek Jeter jersey out of the area. I hope they didn't kick him out of the game, and I'm sure they told him the same thing the Capitol Hill gaurds told me when they dragged me out of the 2005 Presidential Inauguration in handcuffs. "We're just getting you out of here for your safety." But seriously, Yankees suck.

*First night home game of the season

Happy Jesus Dies Friday

2007-04-06T19:13:00.000-04:00

The Daily Show

2007-03-27T13:17:00.000-04:00

Monday Katie and I fulfilled every college kid's dream and attended a taping of The Daily Show. We snagged last minute tickets Sunday from their convenient online reservation system. The tickets were pretty much reservations, so they didn't guarantee us a spot inside. We were advised to arrive at the theater between 3:30 and 4. We showed up at 3:40 and were two of the last 5 people that were let in. At least 20 people gave up waiting at around 4:30, when they were told they definitely would not get in. Another 20 or so waited patiently until just around 5:15, when the tickets were handed out. They left empty handed as well. Most of these people arrived before 4. So take note folks, if you're planning on attending the Daily Show, get there earlier than the tickets advise.
We made our way into the building, passing under a fake Olde English sign reading "Abandon News, All Ye Who Enter Here." After going through an intense screening that included going through a metal detector and having our bags and jackets searched by burly security gaurds, we made it into the theater. Unlike most television studios, this one seems a lot bigger in person. It holds 239 people, way more than the Colbert Report. Some staffer messed up in his counting though, because there ended up being one empty seat, which was right next to me. This was quickly filled by a tweed baseball hat-wearing intern, who remarked, "This is a first." Someone on the staff really likes Fall Out Boy, because the only music played before taping, during commercials, and after the show was a mix CD of all Fall Out Boy songs. I felt like I was at TRL again.

Before the show Jon Stewart came out and hurried through a quick question and answer ceremony. One girl said her friend attended a taping last week and asked for his blue papers, which he said she could have, and was told after the show that they were thrown away. "She was pretty upset", the friend said. "How's she doing now?", Jon asked sarcastically, adding, "In a year I think she'll be completely over it." Before the show was over a staffer got the blue papers and brought them to the audience member. The crowd burst into applause. Jon said, "Those are from tonight's show. I doodled all over them. I doodle because I can't smoke (pot) anymore. I used to smoke a lot. Smoking is a lot more fun."
The show flew by. It's filmed live, so there are no cuts for edits, it's just a straight shot. No huge surprises during the show, since I had already seen all the guests live before. John Oliver was the correspondent for the night, reporting on British backlash in Syria. We saw him perform just a week ago at a little bar in the East Village and were blown away by his stage presence. Lewis Black, who I saw perform in Boston right after the Cheney hunting accident, did his "Back in Black" segment and stuck around to chat with Jon until just before they came back from commercial. John Kerry was the guest for the night, promoting his new book about environmentalists. John and I go way back (more on that another day). At 6:50 the show was almost finished. The feed to the Colbert Report came through during the commercial break, and Jon and Stephen exhanged some hilarious off-air dialogue about Stephen wanting to walk out on his audience. It was weird to hear Colbert's audience, knowing that they were only 2 blocks up and one avenue over. When the last commercial break was through Jon checked in with Stephen and that was that. We got our moment of zen, were out of the theater by 7:00, and home after an 8 minute walk. We didn't even give our comedy appreciating minds a rest. We went straight down to the Comedy Cellar to see Louis C.K., Jim Norton, Darrell Hammond, and Colin Quinn. Chris Rock did a surprise set in the show after ours. But hey, we saw Jon Stewart talk about doodling. Who can ask for anything more?

Guttenberg @ Gutenberg! The Musical!

2007-03-17T16:09:00.000-04:00

Thanks to a post on the Apiary, I scored a couple of free tickets to last night's performance of Gutenberg! The Musical!, a hilarious Off-Broadway musical that originated at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. It's pretty much a musical within a play about two guys making a musical about Johann Gutenberg's invention of the printing press in 1450. Sound unfunny? It's not. Before the show I didn't really know what to expect. I've kind of been spoiled by great improv and stand-up, and musicals aren't necessarily known for their groundbreaking comedy. But Gutenberg! The Musical! was amazing.

The show was presented in such an inventive way. The two characters are aspiring Broadway musical creators and they're reading the play through to the audience, so there are many asides that keep the show focused and interesting. They use barely any props: a squirt bottle for rain, a cardboard box with a sign reading "Printing Press", hats with different names on them to identify the characters (Gutenberg, Beef Fat Trimmer, Drunk #1). And I had really low expectations for the music and lyrics, but they were also top notch. There wasn't one bad song in the entire two acts, and many of the lyrics went unheard because the audience was laughing too hard.

I feel like I'm not doing this show justice. Just trust me. It's awesome. And if you don't trust my word, how about the word of Steve Guttenberg? That's right, he was at the show last night and he couldn't stop praising it. I met him after the show and he was ecstatic about how funny it was. And I know people say this about every celebrity, but he was really the nicest guy in the world. And hot. He looked younger than he did in the 80's. And he signed my copy of "Short Circuit." But I'm getting off track here. Gutenberg! The Musical! Run, don't walk!

Chickpea

2007-03-15T17:52:00.000-04:00

As many of my friends and family already know, Katie is feline barren. That is, she is incapable of producing cat offspring. I don't hold this against her, although some of my friends think I should. Instead, we figured out a way to get around this obstacle. This past weekend we went out to an animal rescue center in Brooklyn to adopt a kitten. His name is Chickpea, and he is the cutest thing since Elle Fanning.

Here he is playing with his favorite toy, a representation of the plight of Native Americans (always on the white man's string).

To provide some idea of how adorably small he is, here he is next to the critically acclaimed film "1 Night In Paris."And here he is last night after finding out that Sanjiya made it through yet another week on "American Idol."

From the Set of "The Bourne Ultimatum"

2007-03-07T01:20:00.000-04:00

I've been walking past "No Parking" signs on 8th Avenue for the past few weeks, alerting me that "The Bourne Ultimatum" would be filming in my neighborhood. So this past Saturday I ventured out with Katie and my best friend Taylor to the Port Authority to see if we could get close to any action. As soon as we got there we spotted some crews working on last minute props, so we knew we were close. We followed bright neon green signs that said "Set" and had arrows pointing us in the right direction. The signs led us to the 7th floor parking garage. Here's what we saw:

The crushed gaurd rails are props made out of a very flimsy plastic. The snow is also fake.

Here's a look at the action on the 5th floor of the parking garage. That's Matt Damon preparing for his big scene. We were standing next to the camera above as it shot the action sequences two floors below.

Prop windshield from Damon's Crashed Audi, complete with soft-around-the-edges bullet holes.

This woman was in charge of applying blood to Matt's head. She had a picture of him in blood make-up that she referred to for continuity.

The guy behind Matt is sprinkling glass shards on his shoulder. The guy he's talking to is about to shoot at him.

The Audi was raised up enough for Matt to climb into it, then when they started rolling he threw his bag out, climbed out, grabbed his bag, and started running, all while being shot at. The shooter wasn't in this scene, but they rigged the bottom of the Audi to spark and pop. Here's the money shot: Matt in action.

This was the last scene of the day at Port Authority. After the guy shot extremely loud blanks at Matt, he jumped over the edge and climbed down a chain link fence towards the car wreck. He was secured by a thick black cord that I'm assuming will be digitally removed in post production. The whole thing looked pretty intense. It was covered from all angles. There was a cameraman on the 5th floor laying down on a pad with the camera shooting directly up. There was another camera near the cars filming the shooter. Later, a camera on the 7th floor filmed from over the shooter's shoulder as Matt dodged the bullets.

After the shoot was finished, a really nice crew member came over and gave us these shell casings from the shooter's gun, "Souvenirs from 'The Bourne Ultimatum.'"

Bloody Wednesday and My Brush With Destiny('s Child)

2007-02-28T20:34:00.000-04:00

For the past three days the New York Blood Center has been giving away free Mets tickets to anyone who donates blood at Brooklyn College. Since I didn't find out about the offer until last night, I made the trip all the way out to Flatbush to give blood today. Not the most altuistic behavior I've ever exhibited, I know, but I like the Mets (it's a Norfolk thing) and I don't mind giving blood. Get off my back. Besides, I donated blood in high school as soon I was old enough. And I didn't get anything out of that except for Hepatitis C. Just kidding. It was B. So now I have two tickets to see the Mets play the Washington Nationals on opening weekend at Shea.

On my way home from giving blood I saw two famous women. First, I saw the Statue of Liberty out of my window on the subway. Then, as I was walking through Times Square I saw a bunch of kids waiting outside of TRL with Red Jumpsuit Apparatus posters. I figured they were the guests for the day, so I didn't make much of it. But when I turned the corner at 45th St. I saw a small crowd of teens and a smaller crowd of paparazzi gathered outside of the MTV doors. There were six or so police officers and a couple of firefighters waiting as well. After finding out that they were waiting for a one Ms. Beyonce Knowles, I decided to stick around for a few minutes to see if she would come out. I knew I didn't want to wait anymore than 5 or 10 minutes. After all, I'd already seen Beyonce up close in person when the original Destiny's Child opened for Boyz II Men at the Virginia Beach Pavillion back in 1998. Just to give you a sense of how unfamous they were, the lineup was Uncle Sam ("I Don't Ever Wanna See You Again"), Destiny's Child ("No, No, No" was their only big single at the time), THEN Next ("Too Close"), then Boyz II Men. Destiny's Child and Next had booths set up where you could take a picture with them for $20. The Next booth was a lot busier than DC's. But I digress. So I waited for a few minutes with a crowd of about 10 people. We couldn't stand right outside of the door, so we had to stand across the street, which was only about an extra 20 feet away since everyone was standing in the middle of the street. Beyonce came out after a few minutes and posed for a few pictures for the paparazzi. Then she posed for pictures with the firefighters (they are heroes after all). As she started to get closer, a huge tour bus approached, in one of those classic scenarios you only see on tightly scripted situational comedies. But instead of letting the bus block their view, the crowd rushed forward and stood right in front of it, forcing it to stop, which in turn stopped the long line of cars behind it. Beyonce literally stopped traffic. But the best part came after Beyonce was safely in her black SUV. As the car pulled out and raced down 45th St., a boy who was probably 12 or 13 years old raced down the street next to her window. He kept up with the car for a little while, then fell behind as it neared 9th Avenue. Fortunately for him, the car got a red light and he ran up to the window, along with 5 or 6 other people who must have had quite an inventive strategy, and bugged Beyonce for autographs. From where I was standing I couldn't tell if Beyonce actually rolled down her window, but as I walked down 45th St. I passed the kid, who was now grinning from ear to ear and holding this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, with "Beyonce" scrolled across the cover in black Sharpie. Now that's a well-earned autograph.

Slomming

2007-02-25T14:33:00.000-04:00

Hello again. Sorry for the lack of posts recently. I can explain. I've been kind of preoccupied lately. You see, I've taken up slomming.

In case you aren't familiar with the practice, slomming stands for Sticking Leeches On Myself. It's the latest craze in drug use, sponsored by the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign (they'll try anything to get kids off pot). I'd never heard of this new sensation before I saw the ads for it. They're everywhere- infiltrating airtime during teen programs like Reba, popping up at the top of MySpace pages, I even came across a slomming ad at the dentist's office when I was parusing the latest edition of Highlights Magazine. According to its official website, abovetheinfluence.com, slomming has a few alternate definitions. The noun "slomming" is defined as "A series of decisions that sucks the life out of a person." The verb "to slom" means "To engage in an activity without thinking" and also "To make a decision based on wannabeitis." I'm pretty sure that means it gets you majorly fucked up. So basically I had to try it. I took this picture during my first slom sesh (I don't even remember taking it!).

The results were incredible. It's definitely a high like no others. Coke highs are too short. Heroin highs leave me with menstrual irregularity. And don't get me started on PCP. I'm just so thankful that the Office of National Drug Control Policy decided to spend America's hard-earned tax dollars on these expensive advertisements. I feel like I'm living life for the first time! I mean, I would be hard pressed to think of a better use of a Thursday night than slomming my brains out and watching Step by Step reruns on ABC Family (Patrick Duffy and leeches go hand-in-hand).

After I got tired of the usual slomming method, I started freebasing leeches. That was fun for awhile, but it really messed up my nice spoons. I think the healthiest approach is using a vaporizer. I simply set my vaporizer to the special leech temperature, put the leeches on the electrically heated metal plate, let the machine go to work for a few minutes, and then inhale the vapors through a tube. This eliminates tars and other unhealthy additives found in store bought leeches. It makes for a much healthier slomming experience.

If you want to try slomming, I definitely recommend it. I have to warn you, however, that slomming may be a gateway drug. I've started dabbling in ULWEPing (Using Live Wasps as EarPlugs) and IPSIMRing (Inserting Poisonous Scorpions Into My Rectum). These are also fun ways to pass the time until the next 2 hour episode of American Idol. So what are you waiting for? Get slomming!

Julian Beever in Union Square

2007-02-08T16:04:00.000-04:00

Anyone one who reads their Myspace bulletins or has a mass e-mail-sending friend is familiar with the art of Julian Beever. He's the sidewalk artist who creates incredible, 3-D paintings using only chalk.

I've been an admirer of his work for several years now, so imagine my excitement when I found out he was coming to NYC to paint the "Fountain of Youth" in Union Square. The official unveiling was January 25, but as Time Out NY said, it would be on display until March 29. "March 29th", I said to myself, "that's a long time for a chalk drawing to survive. They must have some special, all-weaher chalk and high tech sealants to preserve something like this for so long. I'll wait one week and check it out with my family. That'll show them what NYC's all about!"

A week later we went to Union Square to check it out. After an exhaustive walk through the farmer's market, we finally found the amazing "Fountain of Youth." I guess you see where this is going.

I haven't been this dissapointed since the (sports team) lost the (sports championship).
No, since visiting Williamsburg, Brooklyn for the first time.
Wait, since seeing Mr. Wrong in the theater.
Nay, since the day I found out Jesus isn't real.

Guru Pitka Live

2007-02-04T14:42:00.000-04:00

Since last spring, Mike Myers has been testing out his new character, Guru Pitka, on NYC audiences. Friday night he brought the Guru to the Magnet Theater and I went with my family to witness the spectacle.

The tiny theater (less than 100 seats) was packed with friends of Mike Myers (including Sarah Vowell) and NYC improv scenesters who were lucky enough to get through the phone lines last Tuesday to make a reservation. People were standing along the walls and sitting on the stairs and stage, all hoping to see Myer's next big screen character, Guru Pitka, who is kind of like the offspring of an obnoxious yogi and Dr. Phil.

The show certainly didn't dissapoint. I appreciated the time and effort Myers spent on this show. If it weren't for those twinkling eyes of his, you might not even recognize him in his Guru costume, complete with silver wig and beard combo, prosthetic nose, and white robe. He also put a lot of work into the show's graphics. His lecture was accompanied by a slideshow that displayed pictures of his Gurus (Guru Tugginmypuddha), examples of his previous self-help books ("I Know You Are, But Who Am I?"), and highlighted clever play-on-words that parodied the ridiculous world of motivational speakers (the topic of the evening was "Intimacy" or "Into Me I See," and he spoke of taking us from "nowhere" to "now here").

The crowd loved the blessing that is exchanged between the Guru and his followers after every encounter: "Mariska Hargitay." Hilarity ensued during the Q & A, when a Scottish audience member (who, not surprisingly, sounded a lot like Fat Bastard) asked the Guru about losing his aura. Myers responded by saying, "It's hard to hear your accent and not do your accent." But the crowd pleasiest moment came when Guru Pitka was explaining the importance of self-acceptance. He ran through a list of embarrasing scenarios, each one ending with "You must accept yourself." The last scenario was "Even if you’re on a telethon with Kanye West when he decides to say George Bush doesn’t care about black people and you know that motherfucker is right but he didn’t tell you ahead of time, you must accept yourself." Needless to say, this one brought the house down.

After the show Myers was nice enough to sign autographs (my copy of Wayne's World!) and pose for pictures. I asked him about the high-tech cameras that recorded the show from multiple angles (they even had a camera just for audience reactions), whether or not they were for shopping around to studios. He said he's already got the greenlight for the movie, so it looks like we will definitely see Pitka on the big screen. He said he's been working on the script for the past 7 months and realized, "Oh wait, I don't even know this character." So he decided to workshop the Guru more to continue developing him. When I asked him if this would be the last show for the character, he responded with an emphatic "No!" But he's not sure if future shows will be back at the Magnet Theater. So good news for the hopeful few who couldn't get into Friday's show, the Guru will return.

2econd Stage Theatre is Ageist

2007-02-02T01:19:00.000-04:00

I don't often use this blog to slam people or public broadcasting television shows that have done me wrong, but the time has come for me to speak out about something.

My mom and sister are coming to visit this weekend, and my mom, a long-time Tony Shalhoub fan, wanted to see him in "The Scene." She also wanted to see Patricia Heaton, another star in the off-Broadway play, until I told her about the anti-stem cell research ads she made for the November elections. She had the same response I had when I found out about Heaton's ultra-conservative views: Yuck. But we still love Tony Shalhoub. We even have the first two seasons of Wings on DVD. So I looked into getting student tickets (okay, I'm technically not a student anymore, but I still have the ID) and found the following on the website:

"Student RUSH $15****One ticket per valid ID / full-time college or high school students only. No advance reservations. 1 hour prior to curtain only. Subject to availability."

Okay, I thought, only one ticket per person might be kind of difficult, but I think I can swing it. And $15 sure beats $75. So I called the 2econd Stage Theatre box office to investigate. And I found out something very interesting. There are no student tickets. There never were any student tickets. There never will be any student tickets. Instead of setting aside 10 or 20 student tickets a night so that humble college students like me can experience the culture and excitement of live theatre, 2econd Stage Theatre is selling ALL of their seats for full price and greedily making the most money they can.

So shame on you, 2econd Stage Theatre. Shame on you.

I'll take my business elsewhere. And then donate the money I saved getting student tickets to stem-cell research (or candy).

Invite Them Up Recap and Gay Robot

2007-02-01T00:57:00.000-04:00

I just got back from Invite Them Up and thought I would share the highlights of the night.

-Chris Jurek gave out great prizes, including Super Bowl tickets (two pieces of paper straight out of his printer with the words "Super Bowl XLI- Row 1 Seat 1") and tickets to the Oscars (same as Super Bowl tickets, but with "The Oscars" printed on them).

-Laura Krafft did an excellent job of staying in character as a French comedian throughout her entire set.

-Brett Gelman was in character as child entertainer Klaus Van Fun, a scantily clad German man with a blonde mullet wig. He read an amazing original story, "Scadoodle, you poodle," or something like that.

-John Mulaney talked about his recent gig on Best Week Ever, and said he promised himself before he went to the studio that he wouldn't make any Lindsay Lohan jokes, then caved as soon as he got there.

-During the break we spotted Zak Orth (Wet Hot American Summer) in the crowd and talked about the awesome job he did playing a college student-turned-rapist on Law and Order: SVU. Then, minutes later, Eugene Mirman read aloud his answers from the "21 Questions" feature he's doing for an upcoming New York magazine. The last question was "What makes someone a New Yorker?" Eugene's answer: "Being on Law and Order." We looked at each other and laughed, and then noticed the girl next to us poking the guy she was with in a "Hey, that's you!" kind of way. And I wondered, how many people in this room have been on Law and Order?

-And finally, Jon Glaser closed the show by reading the last e-mail his father sent him before he died, a collection of vagina nicknames (our favorites include vertical smile, roast beef curtains, and ever-lasting cum stopper). After the show I asked Jon about "Gay Robot," Nick Swardson's pilot for Comedy Central, on which Glaser plays the professor. After seeing clips from the show several months ago on Myspace, I was looking forward to seeing more of it on TV. Unfortunately, Jon says the show has been canned by Comedy Central. This might be old news to a lot of people, but it was devastatingly fresh news to me. Hopefully we haven't seen the last of Gay Robot.

Gay Robot - PILOT CLIP 2

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-After the show about half the audience stuck around to help out with Jon Glaser's new pilot for Adult Swim. Our job was to sit and watch Eugene do Russian stand-up. We didn't understand a word he said, but that didn't stop one drunk guy from laughing too loudly (maybe you'll hear him on the show!).

Blink-Off 2007

2007-01-29T13:38:00.000-04:00

Last fall I took a class in comedy writing for late night/variety shows and learned that Dave Letterman doesn't watch any of his competitors (Tonight Show, Kimmel, etc.). Leno keeps an eye on his competition to make sure he's not repeating jokes, but Letterman apparently doesn't care about what anybody else does. If he wants to do a certain joke on his show, it's going on the air, no matter what other hosts are doing it.

Now I also learned that most times you see a joke repeated it's a case of great minds thinking alike, not plagiarism. And I'm sure that all of the following shows came up with this same joke on the same night and had no way of knowing that the other shows were doing the same joke. But Letterman's set-up to his clip is awesome.

Colbert

Kimmel

Letterman

If Only I Was A Better Guitar Player/Gymnast

2007-01-26T02:46:00.000-04:00

That's So Asian

2007-01-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

Siamese twins joined at the tacky golden flower!Here is a wonderful gag gift. Give it to that thirsty friend in your life and watch his reaction as a charismatic frog hops out! Surprised!

Just make sure you give this surprised gift to someone who normally drinks "Spirit" lemon-lime soda or "Caixin Cola"! Also, do they know what "TOYS" means? Hopefully not. Oh, you're gonna get them good!
Make sure you unplug this before watering it!

Looks like Hello Kitty learned a few things from the Trojan War.

I Just Realized

2007-01-17T13:05:00.000-04:00

I depend on Google far too much for spell checking, phrase checking, and fact checking. What would my old high school teachers think of me if they knew I'd satisfied my quest for knowledge by just looking at the results of the first Google page I find?

Thanks to my trusty Statcounter, I can see that several web surfers have ended up on my blog after a lazy Google search of their own. Some of them will be helped, like the person who searched for "Can vegans eat oreos" (yes!). Others, like a few people who recently searched for "Will Ferrell's hair," will not find out why his hair was so long on the Golden Globes the other night. Instead, they will be taken here, to the retelling of the meeting between two tall, strapping men.

To help as many Google searchers as possible, I'm starting a new feature on this blog, "I Just Realized." My hope is that I can share all the information I, as a comedy insider, have learned here in the entertainment Mecca of the east coast of America. I will be scouring the net, digging through message boards, forums, and fan sites to bring you the information you need to survive. I hope you appreciate it. And now,

I Just Realized

Marilyn Manson played the best friend of Corey Savages on Boy Meets World!

Check the credits! Marilyn Manson's real name is Rider Stong!!!

Slick Rick is Coming to Town

2007-01-15T13:03:00.000-04:00

The master of storytelling, Slick Rick, is coming to the Knitting Factory February 9 and I'm seriously considering buying a ticket. I haven't spent more than $5 on a show since the Comedians of Comedy show at Irving Plaza, but I think this show might be worth the $$. According to the KF website, it's his first show in NYC since being released from prison. Plus, he's performing with a full band, the Adam Deitch Project. I don't know anything about them, but I saw members of Wu Tang last fall with some Brooklyn indie band (thanks to my only black friend, DJ Frequency) and it was quite the mind-blowing experience.

After re-listening to The Great Adventures of Slick Rick I realized three things.
1) The Streets must have done some serious studying of Slick Rick.
2) "Treat Her Like a Prostitute" is the shit.
3) I wish I could pop and lock.

Wyland's Whaling Walls

2007-01-08T13:36:00.000-04:00

Although Hell's Kitchen is a beautiful neighborhood, it has it's seedy parts. And one of them is Port Authority. I am forced to walk by it or through it everytime I go to the UCB, when I want to wander through Duane Reade at 2 in the morning, or just need to hit up 7-11 for a Slurpee fix. But there is one part of Port Authority I look forward to seeing everytime.

The crack whores.
And also, the Wyland Whaling Wall.

For those of you not familiar with "Inner City Whales," it's a 460 feet long, 22 feet high life-size mural of whales. The artist is known by one name, Wyland.

And if his moustache doesn't clue you in on how badass he is, his murals definitely will. According to his website, his goal is to paint 100 life-size marine art murals in public places by 2008. It looks like he'll reach that goal pretty soon, because he's already painted 93 amazing walls in 70 cities throughout the United States, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, Mexico, and Japan. As someone who has lived by the water my whole life, I appreciate Wyland's efforts to raise awareness of environmental conservation. I appreciate it so much that I ripped the following straight from Wyland's page:
"Take the case of "24-Hour Television" in Japan, which broadcast the creation of a Wyland mural in Sinjuku Station during a live telethon in 1990. Wyland's environmental message during the marathon painting session helped raise $70 million for conservation efforts in Japan. "

I first found out about Wyland in the summer of 1993, when Wyland came to my hometown of Norfolk, Virginia to paint “Humpbacks off the Virginia Coast." Measuring in at 280 feet long and 80 feet high, it was a massive, week-long operation that required 100+ volunteers. My mom was one of those lucky volunteers. She helped stir paint and also got to accompany Wyland on the scaffolding (not a job for acrophobes). While on the scaffolding, she acted as his assistant, handing him paint and brushes. She also relayed messages from Wyland to workers on the ground, instructing them to change the scaffolding's positioning so he could cover the wall with ease. Wyland's girlfriend was entrusted with the job of loading his boombox with the proper tape so he could remain pumped up while painting.

“Humpbacks off the Virginia Coast" (shown above) is prominently displayed on the side of a parking garage on Waterside Drive. If you're taking Interstate 264 out of town, Wyland's giant mural is the last thing you see before leaving Norfolk, serving as a constant reminder of what makes our city great -- awareness of environmental conservation, appreciation of the arts, and we have a mall. It is awesome. Not the mall, the mural. Well the mall, too. But that's neither here nor there.

"Inner City Whales" is a little less magnificent. It is hidden underneath Port Auhority in a tunnel that is closed to traffic. I still go out of my way to see it though, because it's one of few things in NYC that links me to Norfolk. The picture above was taken seconds before two police officers shut me down. Apparently in this post 9/11 world, taking pictures of federal transportation terminals is forbidden. If you want a better look at the art, you can find it in the 41st street underpass between 8th and 9th Aves.

I'll leave you with some of my favorite Wyland Walls.

Vancouver, B.C., Canada
San Diego, California
Yamagata, Japan
Kauai Village Kauai, Hawaii
Long Beach, California
Honolulu, Hawaii
Pearl Harbor, Hawaii
Hagatna, Guam

2007-01-02T00:31:00.000-04:00

Over the break I spent a lot of time in doctors' offices.

I got my ears stitched up.

I got my wisdom teeth out, too. Here I am post codine.

I recovered in time to play with my new Winter Solstice toy:
Speed Stacks

Katie moved in on New Year's Eve.
From my roof we could see the fireworks in Times Square, Central Park, and Lower Manhattan.

We partied at the UCB.

And I learned that even dogs experience post-holiday exhaustion.

The Colbert Re-bore

2006-12-13T17:18:00.000-04:00

At risk of being shunned by the comedy community, let me just say one thing:

I'm getting tired of The Colbert Report.

Let me explain. The Colbert Report has only been on the air for a little over a year and it's already one of the most revered programs in Comedy Central history. Bloggers love it. Maureen Dowd loves it. Males in that coveted 18-34 demographic love it. But I wonder if these people watch the show regularly or if they just love the snippets they see on YouTube. Because if I watched the interview below and heard Stephen announce that he doesn't see race because he's color blind, I would laugh at the awkward exchange with Peter Singer that followed... IF it was the first time I heard this joke. But I DVR the show every night, so I've probably heard him use the tired "I'm color blind. Am I white? I don't know. What race are you?" bit dozens of times. I've also heard him say "I'll bite" enough times that I want to bite my ears off. I get it, Stephen, you have a black friend that you take pictures with. You sell your own semen. You have a baby eagle named after you. I know, I know, I know. It's like I'm watching a comedian do the same set at the UCB that he just did at Rififi the night before. I can't laugh the second time around, because I know when Stephen says, "President Bush," that "Great president? Or the greatest president?" will inevitably follow.

I know it must be incredibly hard to produce a half hour show 4 days a week, but if you're going to promise a new show every night, I'm going to hold you up to those standards. And so far, it's just not cutting it. The show is getting tired. I've included the clip below, from the Monday, December 11th show, to illustrate my point. Stephen's guest is Dr. Peter Singer, one of the leading figures behind the modern day animal rights movement. On the topic of eating animals, Stephen asks, "If we shouldn't eat them, why are they so delicious?" And poor Peter Singer has to smile and fake laugh like he's never heard this before. I cringed when I heard Stephen's question, not because I'd already heard the joke on the show, but because I already heard it IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. MIDDLE SCHOOL!!! It's a sad day for comedy writers when 12-year-olds beat them to the punch.

In light of that horribly sophomoric joke, I've taken the liberty of preparing a question for Stephen for whenever he interviews Ingrid Newkirk.
"Ms. Newkirk, you are the president of PeTA. What does that stand for? People eating tasty animals?"

Gwen Stefani the Racist

2006-12-11T19:33:00.000-04:00

By Katie Molinaro

Gwen Stefani is a racist. Although I doubt that it is intentional, she is promoting Asian stereotypes. For the past year or so she has paraded around with an entourage of four heavily made-up Japanese girls dressed in a style similar to Stefani’s mix-and-match clothing. The girls follow her to press events, dance in her videos and pose with her in pictures. They are having their fifteen minutes of fame thanks to Stefani. Supposedly they are only allowed to speak Japanese, although I have never heard them speak at all.

Everyone says, nonchalantly, “Those are Harajuku girls,” as if we know what that means or could define a culture by seeing these live baby dolls on MTV. Harajuku is a shopping district in Tokyo known for its alternative styles -- punk, gothic, bright colors, traditional Japanese styles and layering of them all. The emphasis is on individuality, yet Stefani uses her “Harajuku” girls as props and often dresses them all the same.

Stefani is a huge name right now and she is using that power to reinforce stereotypes of Asian women. These “Harajuku” girls are sexy and stylish, but also loyal and obedient to Stefani. Stefani’s white fans can admire these qualities in the four women because that fits our idea of how Asian women are supposed to act: sexy, exotic, polite and non-threatening. And because Stefani is always standing out in front with her platinum blonde hair, a classic sign of whiteness, American women don’t feel threatened by those Japanese sex pots. The white American is still on top.

But perhaps Americans feel their position on top is threatened. In a time when China is gaining more commercial power and North Korea is gaining more military power non-Asians may have good reason to feel threatened by Asians. That could be why people enjoy seeing Stefani’s pets. They appear sexy and bossy as they vamp in the videos, but really they are falling into the category of submissive Asian women. They even wear geisha-esque make-up. It is easier to enjoy another culture when they are wearing brightly colored clothes, smiling and not threatening our own sexiness, our economy or our pride. But they should be threatening our clear conscience.

Editor's Note: This piece was originally published December 16, 2005 on a communal blog project that was way ahead of its time. After seeing Gwen Stefani degrade the Saturday Night Live music stage this past weekend, I realized that this issue is still very timely. Yodellay, yodallay, yodal-low.

Constantine

2006-12-03T14:36:00.000-04:00

Family and friends came to visit me this weekend and I surprised my mom with a couple of tickets to "Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me." We had a great time, as we are both uber Martin Short fans. But as we left the theater, I saw something interesting. A young girl, probably 14 or 15 years old, walked by with a big, baggy, Pray for the Soul of Betty sweatshirt on. This, of course, is the catchy name of former American Idol Constantine Maroulis's former band. I was tipped off that it was indeed Pray for the Soul of Betty merchandise by the fact that the lettering was as large as Wham's "Choose Life" messages. Clearly, Pray for the Soul of Betty fans are a proud bunch. I pointed the sweatshirt out to my mom and noticed that the girl was heading across the street to the Al Hirschfeld Theatre, where Constantine is finishing up his run in "The Wedding Singer." It was only 4 in the afternoon, but she was clearly not straying too far from her idol.

Later that night, my mom and her friends went from restaurant to restaurant trying to find a place to eat. They learned that my neighborhood is the worst place to try to find a table between 6 and 7, because it's packed with theater-goers who are desparately trying to grab a quick, $100 meal before seeing a nice, $250 show. I tried to offer some places in other neighborhoods that we could go, places where I could get a substantial meal, but I was quickly rejected ("We just had vegetarian for brunch, I can't have it again for dinner"). I tried to explain that "vegetarian" can't be singled out as a food style, as it is far too broad, but I had no luck with this crowd. So while they hopped from restaurant to restaurant, unable to find a place with a wait time of less than an hour, I went home, watched Cheap Seats, and ate a leftover burrito. When they finally got a seat somewhere, at a place on Ninth Ave., I left to meet them.

As I got to Ninth Ave., I crossed to the East side of it, like I usually do, figuring the restaurant was on that side. I was wrong. So wrong. But I now realize why God sent me across the street that night. As I was walking between 46th and 45th street, I passed a long haired man who looked familiar. I knew exactly who it was. Constantine Maroulis. We made eye contact and he gave me one of those looks that said, "Yeah, you know me." It was that very same luring gaze that captured the hearts of tweens all across this great nation. I just kept walking, aware that a high kick from him could land me in the hospital for a couple of weeks. But I wondered what that girl I saw earlier would do if she was in my position. What Would The Girl In The Pray For The Soul Of Betty Sweatshirt Do? So the next time you see a rock idol, nay!, a rock GOD walking down the street, ask yourself, WWTGITPFTSOBSD?

Vegan Thanksgiving

2006-11-19T17:53:00.000-04:00

Whether you're thinking about going vegetarian/vegan or just want to kill some time in between refreshing your Myspace page, I invite you to check out two new articles on the compassionate way to celebrate Thanksgiving.

Start with Katie's (front page) article from this Sunday's Free Lance Star:

No bones about it

Then check out my newest entry on the Huffington Post:

I Beg Your Pardon: Give Animals Something to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving

As always, questions, comments, and rude remarks are welcome.

A Message from Woodstock

2006-11-18T14:25:00.000-04:00

The amazing documentary Woodstock will be shown on vh1 classic today at 4:30 pm. Set your DVRs, folks. It's 3 1/2 hours of awesomeness. The following is an announcement that the man pictured below delivered to a crowd of 500,000 people at the original Woodstock in 1969. It is serious.

"Wheat Germ, Holly has your bag with your medicine. Please meet at the information booth as soon as you can, please. Helen Savage, please call your father at the Motel Glory in Woodridge. Helen Savage, please call your father at the Motel Glory in Woodridge. And the warning that I've recieved, you may take it with however many grains of salt you wish, that the brown acid that is circulating around us is not specifically too good. Uh, it's suggested that you do stay away from that. Plus it's your own trip, so be my guest. But please be advised that there is a warning on that one, okay?"

Somebody buy this car

2006-11-15T15:53:00.000-04:00

I gotta hand it to Mike Phirman of Hard 'N Phirm for coming up with the most creative way to market a car on eBay. According to Mike, his 93 Honda Accord is "one of the most famous cars in America," having appeared in many movies and TV shows. Here are my favorite appearances from its unbelievable repertoire:

Spiderman 2

X-Men

King Kong

Fast and Furious 3: Tokyo Drift

Check out the eBay page for more hilarity.

I have Will Ferrell hair

2006-11-14T16:00:00.001-04:00

Last Thursday Will Ferrell dropped by my workplace to plug his new movie, Stranger than Fiction. Whenever a big star like him is in the building, there are a few Bloomberg employees who somehow find out. Thursday was no exception. Hours before we taped the segment, another intern and I were bombarded by three such career sell outs. "Is Will Ferrell really coming today?" "Where do you guys tape?" "What time is he getting here?"

I wonder if Barack Obama donned an elf suit for a movie would there have been this much excitement for him?

Sadly, those three eager employees never saw Will. They found our green room and paced back and forth in front of it for awhile, pretending to take a tour of the floor ("And this is where Bloomberg radio is, you can see them doing a segment on air right now..."). But they missed his entrance and by the time they got into stalker position he was already in makeup. A couple of other people were able to ambush Will as soon as I brought him down our famous circular escalator. "Hey look, there's Will Ferrell!" a dopey sounding guy yelled as nonchalantly as possible (as if he wasn't waiting for him). He and his co-worker then ran up to Will with Talladega Nights pictures that they printed out from their desks. Will politely signed everything for them.

Talking to Will Ferrell was great because he puts everybody around him at ease. When I introduced myself he asked if we met before. I told him we met at an SNL after party a few weeks ago (the John C. Reilly show) and he remembered ("Oh yeah, upstairs, right?"). He then looked at my hair and asked if I was wearing a hat that night. I told him I wasn't, but that my hair was a lot shorter and he said, "Yeah, cuz I don't remember your hair being so curly." I guess he doesn't meet a lot of people with hair like his. I don't either. Unless I'm at Synagogue.

During our conversation, we talked about the opening of the movie and the impact that Borat would have on Stranger's box office numbers. He advocated that I buy a ticket to his movie and sneak into Borat. Saturday, I stupidly did the exact opposite, giving money to a movie that couldn't possibly need anymore and stealing from a movie that came in in a sad fourth. Shame on me, I know. But I promise the next time I run into Will Ferrell, I'll give him the 15 cents he would've earned had I paid to see his movie.

To make things even worse, Saturday was the first time I've ever been called out on buying senior citizen tickets. As usual, Katie and I went to the automated ticket machine and selected two senior tickets (total savings= $6). We confidently handed over our tickets to a portly, high-school aged Hispanic male. And he proceeded to inspect those fucking tickets like it was the most important job ever. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nah ah. You got the wrong priced tickets." "What??? Where does it say that? There must be some mistake here!" "Right here (points to the $7.50 price). Right next to the word 'Senior.' You gotta take these back and get the right ones." Damnit! We've used senior tickets over 50 times and never had a problem. We always get a little scared when ticket takers look closely at the tickets and say, "Can I see some ID?" But as soon as we prove we're at least 17, that's the end of that. No more questions asked. And now this guy comes along like an elementary school hall monitor drunk with power. Well that's the last time you hear from us AMC Loews 34th St!

Election Results or Hockey Scores?

2006-11-08T12:59:00.000-04:00

You decide!

p.s.- since when was Clarissa/Sabrina a conservative?

2006-11-08T12:10:00.000-04:00

The world famous public radio program, The Sound of Young America, is rolling into NYC this Friday, November 10th for its first-ever live tapings! I'm excited that the guests include David Wain and Heather Lawless. There will be two shows, both at The Pit, and they promise to be great, so get your tickets now! Here's an important message from the host, Jesse Thorn.

In other news, thanks in part to my wonderful homestate of Virginia, it looks like the democrats will be taking control of the Senate! And the House is definitely ours! We'll worry about the White House in a few years. But for now, as a wise old man once said, "Two out of three ain't bad."

World Vegan Day

2006-11-01T14:29:00.000-04:00

Today is World Vegan Day.

10 years ago you may have gotten away with using "it's just too hard" as your excuse for not going vegetarian or vegan. But with all the fake meats and vegan restaurants springing up all the time, you no longer have that excuse (especially if you're in NYC). If you are a compassionate person who is thinking about going vegetarian or vegan, there are many great resources all over the web. Cool Vegan is one. PeTA's website has recipes and a list of "accidentally vegan" items. And Happy Cow has the most extensive list of vegetarian and vegan restaurants that I've seen anywhere. And of course, you can always drop me a line if you want to hear living proof that going vegan is not hard.

If you plan on going vegan, you will get an onslaught of questions/stories from family, friends, and strangers. Some of the questions are good ones, most are not. Here are the most common ones I get, along with my responses.

-"What does that mean exactly?"
-It means I don't eat any animal products. I also don't wear any animal products, but some vegans have differing opinions on this issue.
-"So what can you eat?"
-A lot of things. If you have a healthy diet then my diet is probably pretty similar to yours, only I substitute meat and dairy with soy products (fake meats, tofu, soy milk, etc.).
-"So why did you go vegan? Why not just be a vegetarian?"
-Going vegetarian is a great first step, but it's only cutting out part of the problem. It's like if you were fed up with evil corporations so you boycotted Walmart but still smoked cigarettes. The truth is, the dairy industry is worse than the meat industry. Cows in the meat industry are put out of their misery much faster than dairy cows, who are raped and tortured for years before they are killed. Plus, veal is a byproduct of the dairy industry, so if you support dairy, you support veal. Maybe this will explain it better.
-"I get the dairy and meat issue, but why honey?"
-Honey is an animal product. The idea of veganism is that we don't support the exploitation of animals. It's pretty simple, but here's further explanation of the honey issue.
-"Well, I'm not a vegetarian, but I don't eat any red meat" or "I don't eat very much meat."
-That's great. Anything you can do to help is good. If you're concerned about health, reducing your meat and dairy intake is a great idea. But if you're concerned about the well being of animals, STOP EATING THEM. It's not hard.
-"I'm thinking about going vegan. I think I'm going to cut out milk first. Then cheese. Then products with milk in them, then..."
-The best way to do it is to make a firm decision and stick with it. Cutting out certain products one at a time will be much harder than just quitting cold turkey (nope, not intended).
-"But I've eaten meat for so long. It will be too hard at this point to quit."
-My dad recently became a vegetarian after eating meat for over 50 years. If he can do it, anybody can do it.
-"Don't you miss steak though?"
-No. I haven't eaten meat in 9 years. And I've been vegan for almost 2 years. Once you make the change (if you're serious about it) you know no other way. It becomes habit. From my own personal experience, the thought of eating meat never crosses my mind, so I can't miss it. If I were to think of meat, I wouldn't be able to get past how grotesque it is. Besides, vegan foods are so much more exciting.
-"I would like to go vegetarian, but my parents would get upset."
-Hmmm. Yeah... then you shouldn't go vegetarian. Stick to tradition.
-"My friend was a vegan/vegetarian for a week and then she got sick and had to go to the hospital and..."
-Your friend is an idiot. She probably had a horrible diet. The truth is a vegan diet (done the right way, of course) is the healthiest diet you can have. If you don't believe me, check out The China Study, the most comprehensive health study ever, that concluded, "People who ate the most animal-based foods got the most chronic disease" and "people who ate the most plant-based foods were the healthiest and tended to avoid chronic disease."

Still unconvinced? Then you're probably hopeless. Good luck with that heart attack.

Lessons from Kirk Cameron

2006-10-24T22:49:00.000-04:00

For years the stereotype of the arrogant, overbearing Christian has made it hard for good people like Kirk Cameron to get their message across. In this week’s installment of “The Way of the Master,” Kirk and Ray Comfort attempt to break that nasty stereotype.

First, Kirk talks about the frustration of communicating with non-believers.

“I used to wait for unsaved people to bring up the subject of God for us. What I mean is this, sometimes I just look at them with all the peace I could muster and hope that they just saw that I had something in my eyes that they didn’t have and ask me, ‘What is it that makes you different?’ Well, I don’t know about you, but I waited a long, long time and often people would never ask! And so I just chalk it up to, well, I guess it’s just not the right time for them to hear about the Gospel, and hope they didn’t get hit by a car the next day.”

Then, in a scary segue, Kirk and Ray get in a car and hunt for atheists.

“You know there’s so many people walking up and down the streets as we drive around, and uh, I can’t help but think of how many of these people are not saved, and are actually going to be spending eternity in hell. And uh, man, it’s like having the cure for a disease that’s deadly. And if we don’t go give the cure to them, it’s immoral! It’s, it’s, it’s unthinkable!”

Seconds later:

“Let’s go to the drive-thru. We can hand out (Gospel) tracks that way too.”

In a callback to his acting days, Kirk captures the true spirit of atheists everywhere in a poignant role-playing activity.

Kirk: “Alright, so I’m going to be your average atheist. I’m going to be your atheist buddy named Bob at your work… so I’m atheist Bob. Now you go through these principles with me.”
Ray Comfort: “Okay, we’ll start off with natural love. Hey Bob, how are you doing?”
Kirk: “Hey, um, I’m doing great. Excuse me while I have a smoke.”

Finally, Kirk leaves non-believers with an inspirational message.

“People have come up and said, ‘I’ve gone to church for years and I’ve never understood why Jesus died on a cross or why it was important that I believed in Jesus.’ But once they understand that they have lied, and stolen, and looked with lust, making them lying, thieving, adulterers at heart, they suddenly see that they’re guilty before God.”

“The thing that I don’t want to do is I don’t want to come across like some sort of a religious weirdo or a fanatic, because there’s plenty of those people around, and you don’t take them seriously. So, while I feel like standing on top of a building and screaming to everybody, ‘Get your hearts right with God! There’s coming a day in which he’ll judge the Lord of Righteousness!’ I know that that will only make me come off like a fanatic.”

Kirk Cameron, everybody.

D.U.M.B.O.

2006-10-20T15:58:00.001-04:00

This past weekend Katie and I went to D.U.M.B.O. (Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass) for Hell House and the DUMBO Art Under the Bridge Festival. Since we weren't allowed to take pictures in Hell House, I'll share the highlights of the arts festival.

Katrina graffiti exhibit made even creepier by the addition of upbeat New Orleans jazz

Starving homeless people watched as Brooklyn art enthusiasts enjoyed a commentary on America's obesity epidemic: cupcakes in the shape of chalk outlines. Ah hah hah hah hah haaaaaa... poverty.

interactive art: katie prepares for the "Assisted Street Crossing" exhibit

popcorn maker dispersing popcorn onto the warehouse floor. as everybody walks around it, trying to figure it out, more homeless people's mouths' water. silly homeless people! trix are for kids!

can you guess what this piece is made of?

i'll give you a hint: it starts with "T" and it ends with "oast"

more interactive art! i think this one was called: "tire swing"

your guess is as good as mine on this one.

what do you do when a yarn creature with its yarn cat sits next to you? if you're this smooth guy, you hit on it.

not all art is fun: a working carousel that you can't ride.

ah, this picture reminds me of Norfolk. only, where I come from the shoes were real. and they were hung for darker reasons than art.

art on a truck! with a fake squirrel monkey!

Amy Sedaris and Will Smith!

2006-10-17T15:57:00.000-04:00

I was at Amy Sedaris's book signing last night and it was amazing! I wrote all about it on Comedy Central Insider, so check it out: http://ccinsider.comedycentral.com/cc_insider/2006/10/amy_sedaris_on_.html

Before that I did some more snooping around the set of "I Am Legend," the new Will Smith sci-fi blockbuster. It was filming around the corner from where I work, so during my lunch break Katie and I explored the set, hoping to get a glimpse of the Fresh Prince himself. Needless to say, it was my most exciting lunch break yet. Here's what it looked like.

set up for a massive crane shot, corner of 56th & 5th

notice the Christmas wreath

we hid behind the fake greenery

PAs trying to stop 5th Ave. snots from shopping for five minutes

finally the moment we've been waiting for. this was taken while the scene was actually being filmed. check out the gun.

and here's Will walking back after the scene. he has relinquished hold of the gun to the prop man.

fun with DVR

2006-10-13T01:25:00.000-04:00

I know Jessica Simpson has been overdoing the lip-synching in her videos (and live performances) for years, but her new video wins the award for best overacting.

She starts off normal enough.

But with the addition of a few fake tears,

It's not long before a little crazy slips out.

And it's all downhill from here.

Her Chinese impersonation is not bad, though.

And her Nick Nolte mugshot is spot on.

Plagiarism

2006-10-11T16:43:00.000-04:00

During a recent conversation with my new partner in crime, Rachel, I found out that "Studio 60" is more biographical than I thought. Remember the line in the pilot that stuck out like a sore thumb? The one where Matthew Perry's character calls Pat Robertson a bigot and chastizes his Christian ex-girlfriend for going on the "700 Club" to promote her album?

Well, "Studio 60" creator Aaron Sorkin didn't have to search far for this idea. Just last year, his Christian ex-girlfriend Kristin Chenoweth went on the "700 Club" to promote her album. Sorkin is no stranger to taking real events and recycling them into his work. So was this past week's episode, "Plagiarism," a shot at SNL for their recent indiscretions? For those not in the know, here's a brief rundown. First there was the "Peyote" short on SNL that felt awfully similar to Improv Everywhere's "Suicide Jumper" bit. Then there was the controversy over a joke Dane Cook delivered in his SNL monologue last year that sounded very similar to an old Demetri Martin joke. With Sorkin's track record, I wouldn't be surprised if last week's episode was "ripped from the headlines," as Law and Order would say.

And speaking of plagiarism, am I the first person to call out Stephen Colbert and "The Colbert Report" on ripping off "Freak Show," a show from their own network?
Here's how the premiere episode of "Freak Show" (10/04/06) began:
"In 1972, President Richard Nixon, Augusto Pinochet, Henry Kissinger, and Adolph Hitler met aboard Kissinger's yacht, the Wet Dream II."
And here's what Stephen Colbert said to Jon Stewart during the last segment of Monday night's "The Daily Show" (10/09/06):
Colbert: "Here's a little bit of Columbus trivia, Jon, did you know he originally set out with four ships?"
Stewart: "The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria..."
Colbert: "And the Wet Dream II."

Hmmm... using Colbert's own terminology, I would say I just NAILED IT.

I don't know who wrote this, but I do know that "Colbert Report" writer Laura Krafft is friends with the "Freak Show" guys. She may or may not have been involved in writing this segment. If she wasn't, I'm left to assume someone else who's even less affiliated with "Freak Show" wrote it. But even if this mystery writer was given permission to use this, COME ON. Doesn't the "Colbert Report" recycle jokes enough already? Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the man's brilliance. I was even able to appreciate it in person last winter (that's me on the far left with the green hat, about to high-five Stephen). But if I hear him use the "I have black friends" joke one more time (which itself is strangely similar to blackpeopleloveus.com), I'm going to jump off a plagiarized ledge.

CC Insider and Sandra Bernhard

2006-10-10T00:49:00.000-04:00

I'm excited to announce that I'm now a guest blogger for Comedy Central's blog, Comedy Central Insider. My first post is about the Freak Show Premiere party that I managed to get into last Wednesday night. Follow the link below and read all about it.

Sneaking In: The Freak Show Premiere Party

Below are a few details that didn't make it to the CC Insider post.

Wednesday night I met my friend Kathleen in the West Village. We walked through the set of the new Will Smith movie, which has been filming outside of her office for the past few days (coincidentally, it was filming right outside of my apartment Monday). The set-up was quite elaborate. There were cars covered in dust, fake holiday displays in the Tower Records window, and fake shrubbery everywhere- meant to look like it was rooting up from the ground, buildings, etc. These were the scenes for the post-apocalyptic New York City where the movie takes place. After grabbing a quick bite at Atlas, we walked to the Canal Room, where the Strays (a band on the label she works for) was opening for Veruca Salt. After checking out the Strays, I headed over to the Cake Shop, where my friend Erik was playing. (this is where the CC Insider story picks up)

And the funniest part of the night, in my opinion:

During one commercial break, an On Demand commercial came on featuring clips from "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector." When he realized his arch enemy was on the screen in front of him, David Cross hollered as loud as he could, leading everyone else around him in sarcastic praise of the man who devoted a chapter of his book, Git-R-Done, to slamming David Cross and the liberal media. He ran up to the screen and posed with an enthusiastic thumbs up, but his lady friend couldn't snap the picture in time. Looks like he'll have to drum up a new idea for Christmas cards this year.

I'll be posting more stories as they happen, so keep checking CC Insider for the latest news.

In other news, Sandra Bernhard was at the Dave Hill Explosion at the UCB theater Thursday night. She said she just came from the red carpet premier of "A Chorus Line" and then treated the crowd to a few minutes from one of the show's songs. Earlier in the day she had dinner with Rosie O'Donnell and girlfriend. The conversation was pretty mild until the topic of "The View" came up. Dave Hill brought up the section on her wikipedia page titled "The View Controversy." First, Sandra had a few choice words about Elizabeth Hasselbeck. "Who the fuck is she? Was she at the Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip at 2 in the morning performing for 3 people in 1976?" Then she shared a few thoughts about Star Jones. "I saw her at a Knicks game once and she just hovered over the buffet. This was pre-stomach staple... I'm glad she can eat now... (in black voice) eat her some friiiieeeed chicken up in Harlem, and some mashed potatoes, and some collared greens, and some chitlins..." As if the all white audience wasn't uncomfortable enough, she added, "Star Jones is a nigger-bitch." The crowd, wallowing in its own sea of white guilt, made awkward noises to signal to each other that they most certainly did not approve of the use of this derogatory word. "Oh, don't tell me I can't say nigger-bitch! I can say nigger-bitch if I want to. I used to hang out with Richard Pryor and Paul Mooney! I'm from Flynt, MI. People used to pass by me and call me a 'Nigger-lip bitch,' so I said, fine, I'll be a nigger-lip bitch you little white cunt..." And that's why I love Sandra Bernhard. But somehow even this amazing display of candidness was upstaged... by none other than little Michael Jackson, an MJ impersonator no bigger than Verne Troyer. Only at the UCB.

2006-10-03T23:34:00.000-04:00

--It looks like SNL's back-half may finally have some competition. You see, Saturday night wasn't just a big night for Lorne and gang, it was also the premier of Comics Unleashed, a hilarious new talk show hosted by Entertainment Studio's own Byron Allen! Most talk shows follow the same dull fomat: monologue, famous guest plugs new project, less famous guest plugs less important project, and comedian/musician performs their best 5 minutes. If there's any time to fill at the end, the host will bring the comedian over to the couch for a round of questions that only today's top comedic talent could drum up. Well Comics Unleashed breaks the mold completely! It bypasses those middle steps and only features those wonderful lobs we've all come to love! In case you didn't tune in to Fox on Saturday, here are some of the highlight lead-ins of the night, courtesy of Byron Allen.

-"You know, one of the things you talk about that's really funny, I love it, you talk about people exaggerating and how that annoys you..."
cue hilarity about deceiving story details
-"Now you know traffic in L.A. is just totally getting out of control, I mean driving, it's just getting worse by the day, what's going on with you out there on the road?"
and cue wonderfully astute commentary on shared driving experiences
-"You always hear a lot of dumb stuff, you know people just saying dumb things. I know you talk about that a little bit..."
alright, that's it people, that's a wrap, let's get started on this week's According to Jim

--In other TV news, House of Carters is surprisingly good. I'm glad to see we're going back the trend of dysfunctional family reality shows to promote the albums of unfamous family members. The functional families were just so uninteresting (eh hem, Hogans). The only bad thing about the show was that I've longed for the day that my very eyes would see Aaron Carter getting beat up and now that I finally do, I feel bad for him. God damn E! and their pulling of my heart strings.

--Finally, I'd like to address a growing problem at the UCB. Lately I've experienced the extremes of audience smell. Sunday night at the 9:30 ASSSCAT I was surrounded by body odor that was so rank I could've sworn I was back at the Del Close marathon. Then last night at Crash Test I was trapped in a cloud of Tag body spray. Since when did the UCB advertise in New Jersey? I have a solution though.
Hire Yolanda Martin, the star of A&E's Airline. Whether it's an oblivious Indian woman or a drunken 80 year old, Yolanda knows the perfect thing to say to any customer who smells too horrible to board a plane. At least keep a change of clothes on hand. Maybe a Ramones shirt for the "I'm too punk to shower" crew and a FBI (Female Booty Inspector) shirt for the Jersey/Long Island crowd.

SNL after party!

2006-10-01T06:44:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was by far the craziest day of my New York life. I started it off by meeting with Rachel Sklar from the Huffington Post for food and drinks at Teany (Moby's vegan tea house/restaurant). This was an amazing experience itself... to know that somebody important is actually interested in my writing and wants to recruit me for such an amazing blog- it's just so flattering and exciting. We talked for 3 1/2 hours about everything. I have a feeling great things will come of this.

Later, a friend of mine who was able to find out where the SNL after party was called me and asked if I wanted to go with her and attempt to get in. Um... yes. Unfortunately, this was easier said than done. All the names she dropped were on the list, but only had a (1) next to them, not a (+2). We watched Keenan role in with his crew, slap some suit on the back and put his arm around him. People were coming and going, but things weren't looking good for us. Then finally some familiar faces came out. Will and Amy came out to smoke and I introduced myself to them, explaining our previous connections. We talked briefly and I was introduced to Bill Hader. We talked for quite awhile, but I just couldn't find the right way to ask him if he could help us get in. Will Forte came up to us and I talked to him for a long time too. He was such a nice guy, very flattered by all the kind words I gave him. He asked who we were there with and I explained that some of our connections fell through. "You wouldn't know of any way we could get in, would you?" I asked, giving him a playful nudge and wink. "Oh, you guys can come in with me as long as you promise not to start any bar fights." And just like that we were in to the most exclusive party of the night.

The rest is kind of a blur. It was such a surreal feeling to have watched SNL at home, like I've done every saturday night for the past 10 years, and then 30 minutes after the show was over actually be in the same room as the cast and crew. Just very weird. The first person we met was Brian Williams, who said he was not only familiar with who my friend was, but said he's read her stuff and thinks she's "brilliant." He introduces himself to me and we talk for a little while about the show and his contribution ("The line about the ear piece was mine"). I talked to Dane and told him about the time we met in Maryland and how impressed I was with how friendly and genuine and down to earth he was. He joked, "I should say something really rude right now and just walk away." I told him I was at the Cellar wednesday when he tested out (almost word for word) the material he did for the monologue tonight. We talked a little about the difficulty of translating that vibe to television. He proved himself to be a nice and sincere guy once again. And remember that cast member who I saw mocking Dane Cook on stage this summer? Well I talked to him tonight about that and he said he had him all wrong. He said Dane is the kind of guy he would've been friends with growing up and that he really likes and respects him now. I talked with Fred Armisen about my favorite reccuring skit, the Nunni's, and he said he's going to try to bring it back this season ("It's all about the chairs"). We also talked about his incredible Hugo Chavez he did tonight and his general love of dictators. I talked to Andy Samberg for a little while and Seth Meyers for an even littler while (he'll be doing WU all year). I finally met the beautiful Liz Cackowski, who just left SNL this summer after writing for them for a couple of years. I had a lot to talk about with Jason Sudeikis, who was incredibly genuine and nice, as usual.

I was very surprised at how open and accessible everyone was. Keenan stayed at his table most of the night, so I never got a chance to meet him. And Lorne never left his table in the back. He's the kind of guy who doesn't come to you, you come to him. But other than that, I met some of the nicest people last night. All the cast members were so open and talkative, and to someone whose never been to any of these before and is practically a nobody. It's just amazing how down to earth and humble these guys are. I've met people who are lucky to get a line on Best Week Ever who have had more of a "I'm the shit" attitude than these guys. So it's nice to know that nice people still exist in Hollywood. What a crazy, crazy day.

2006-09-29T00:29:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night was a night of many va-jays for me. Well, they weren't personally for me, but you get the point. First at 8 o'clock was Variety Shac's first ever UCB performance. It was a great show, unfortunately not a lot of people were there to witness it. I'm still getting the hang of going to shows that aren't as popular. Normally I have to scout out 2 seats together (when Katie's here (Rest In Fredericksburg)), sometimes even asking people to move over to accomodate us. I instinctively go right for a good seat near the center of the theater, usually sitting right next to a couple, sometimes a performer's parents (Ian Roberts', maybe Shonali's last night), leaving no seat between me and the person next to me. After all, the theater usually fills up, so we're gonna all be crammed together anyway. Which made it awkward last night when the theater never filled up. And I had 3 empty seats on the other side of me. Could I have moved over, you ask? Yes. Would it have made it more awkward to move though, you add? Yeah, probably. Anyway, the show was great.

Later that night I met my friend Amar in the West Village to go to the comedy cellar. We utilized an awesome deal that they have hidden on their site that eliminates the $10 cover. So for 2 drinks (and if you're really frugal like me you get $3 lemonades) you can see a lot of comedy for a little money. We went for Sarah Silverman, who was amazing. I took a 9 minute long video of her act on my camera but apparently it's too big to upload to my computer. Hopefully I'll figure out some way to put it up. Because you really should see what a smooth talker she is ("I'm not a racist, I dated a Mexican... And they're filthy!"). Dave Attell also had a tight set last night, but he's there every night, so it's a little less special. The surprises of the night were special guest sets by Darrell Hammond and Dane Cook. Both were very much on their game. Darrell was also on something else. Vicodin (with a legitimate reason). To see him do Bill Clinton was pretty neat. And say what you want about Dane Cook, but he was funny last night. I know it's cool to hate him. I've been to a number of shows in NY where his name has come up and the entire audience booed. I've even been to a few shows where a certain SNL cast member (who will remain nameless) has mocked him on stage, hair gel and "pop culture reference" t-shirt and all. But the man was on last night. He did an almost entirely new set and still killed. Now, if you know the make-up of the comedy cellar audience you know that Dane Cook could have read "the O'Reilly Factor for Kids!" and still killed, but you can't hold that against him. Guidos just love him. Deal with it. I've added the only pic I could snap last night after using 99% of my memory for Sarah Silverman. He's doing a bit about friends who love to be the first to call you and tell you someone famous died. This is one of those "you had to be there" moments we hear so widely discussed. After the show Amar and I shared a moment, when we saw subway crates filled with trash going to our hometown, Norfolk (ORF).

30 Rock

2006-09-26T18:08:00.000-04:00

It may be one of the most anticipated shows of the new fall line-up, but I’m worried about “30 Rock.” Yesterday, I saw the pilot and I'm not sure what to think about it. I loved it, but I'm not sure if audiences will. NBC's narcissistic programming (Studio 60, 30 Rock) may turn away audiences who really don't care about the behind the scenes world of television as much as network executives and writers think they do. It's also possible that the show could be too smart for audiences. Especially male audiences. As we all know, men are often threatened by a woman with brains. Throw in beauty and you can almost guarantee you're not going home with her. So what is man's answer to feeling threatened by that powerful combination of looks + smarts? Revert to an adolescent mindset and insult that unattainable bitch. Maxim has done exactly that, with their recent list of TV's least appealing women. Tina Fey came in at #3.

So what does this mean for NBC? Probably that your average frat guy won't tune in for Tina Fey (don't worry network execs, he will tune in to see Dane Cook host SNL's premier). That's what Tracy Morgan is for. And he does a great job on the show, in fact he's probably the most likeable character on it. But I don't know how he can honestly say in interviews that his character is not a spoof of Martin Lawrence. When you see the pilot, with one scene where Tracy has a mental breakdown in the middle of L.A. traffic, and another scene where Tracy dons a fat black woman suit for a hit movie, you'll know what I'm talking about.

I was upset to see that Rachel Dratch's role was given to Jane Krakowski, even though she does an excellent job with it. I'm not sure if this was Rachel's decision or NBC's. She still ends up with a sizeable role in the pilot as a cat wrangler. Judah Friedlander does a good job playing the same character he's played in every single movie and TV show he's been in. I guess NBC was scared audiences wouldn't recognize him without his stupid hat, but it's been changed from "World Champion" to "Ninja Expert." The only thing that could've made it more annoying is if it had a reference to pirates.

UCB fans will be happy to see that Scott Adsit has a huge role. John Lutz and Michael Delaney can also be seen on the show, although neither have any lines in the first episode. But the breakout UCB star is Jack McBrayer, who plays an NBC page. With his success in Talladega Nights and now this, the future is looking pretty bright for him.

2006-09-24T21:38:00.000-04:00

-In more news about my exciting weekend with Katie, we went to the Deitch gallery in Soho yesterday to see the new Michel Gondry exhibit on "The Science of Sleep." I haven't seen the movie yet, but the recreations of the sets were amazing. The reviews for the film are mixed, but I still want to see it. I snapped a few pics.

-While we were in Soho, we saw a few paparozzi outside the Marc Jacobs store, so we stepped inside to see who everyone was waiting for. As we came in, Naomi Watts and a friend ducked out. She's tiny in person. I was tempted to shoplift her.
-Today we were going to a flea market a few blocks away and were stopped a couple blocks short by some PA's. They were filming a car scene from the new Will Smith sci-fi movie, I Am Legend. Will Smith wasn't on location today, only a stunt double. The scene consisted of a red sports car with a white stripe down the center racing down 10th ave., doing a 180, and racing back up. Very basic scene, but it was cool seeing how it was shot, with this huge black camera van trying to keep up.
-Finally, something amazing happened last night. My slurpee fell off my futon and landed flat on its bottom. The first photo below is a staged recreation of how the slurpee looked pre-fall. The second photo was taken immediately after the incident. I think this is a sign that I should audition for that new "Heroes" show.

2006-09-23T13:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went down to Chinatown to pick up Katie! She took the Chinatown bus from D.C. and it didn't crash! We headed straight up to the Bloomberg Tower so I could give her a tour. It was 6:30 or so by the time we got to the building, so we were able to avoid all the suits that file out at 5, eager to get home and put more hair gel in so that they could go to a bar and get obnoxiously drunk to forget their day job. So that was good. No surprises on the tour. Oh, wait. Except for the snipers. I tried to take her out to show her the 6th floor patio where I sometimes eat lunch and I was yelled at, "Don't go out there sir!" At first I thought they were filming something. Then I saw the two beefy little men with bullet proof vests and sniper rifles. I later found out that there is some sort of posh restaurant at the bottom of our building, Le Cirque, where a lot of dignitaries go to waste money. The police had both sides of 59th street blocked off, I'm not sure that they were even letting pedestrian traffic through. With the whole U.N. thing this week, who knows, it could've been Chavez or Ahmadinejad or a number of other people who face daily assassination attempts. Anyway, Katie was quite impressed with the building, and the free snacks, and she even got to sit in Charlie's chair!

On the way home we saw Brian Williams walking away from the GE Building, telling whoever he was with that he was quitting NBC Nightly News and opening up a Thomas Kinkade gallery in West India. Oh, wait, is that the kind of stuff I shouldn't be broadcasting? Scratch all that then. We just saw him.

We walked by Victoria's Secret, who just happened to be throwing away a lot of good mannequin torsos and arms and such, so we took a few mementos. Look for good ways to use fake arms in the near future. We got home and sat on the roof and enjoyed the rest of our night.

In other news, I found out last night why I've recieved so many views from random people- apparently this little ol' blog that I started for my AIM friends to read about my new life in New York has become a newsource. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, seeing as how I am neither fair nor balanced, nor interested in honest news. In fact, I didn't even meet Chris Parnell. I'm just fucking amazing at Photoshop.
Nonetheless, I have become an "impromptu-citizen journalist blog proprieter," so I'll make my first correction like a real blogger would (or probably would not) do:

I mentioned in a previous entry that Tom Scharpling was at the Bro'in Out show last Monday. He was not. It was actually Andres du Bouchet, a very funny comedian who hosts Giant Tuesday Night at Riffifi's. So I've got to give him credit for the funniest part of the show that night. Oh yeah, and he said he's leaving SNL too.

2006-09-21T20:06:00.000-04:00

At 6:30 last night, after finding out last minute that Zach Galifianakis and Demetri Martin weren't doing Invite Them Up, I went over to the Myspace Black Carpet screening of Borat. As I was walking to the theater, I was a little bit worried, anticipating a line of maybe 80-100 people, and I had no idea how many people were getting in. When I got there, I was surprised. The line went all the way from the front of the theater on 42nd st. to the edge of 8th ave... and around the corner, all the way down 8th ave., and then around the corner, down onto 41st st. Estimates from people around me who counted put us at the 250-300 person mark, and we found out only 400 people were getting in. Doors were supposed to open at 9, so we only had a couple of hours to wait. Things were looking good. Then at around 8:45, only minutes before the doors were supposed to open, NY's finest came around the corner and told everyone on 41st. that we weren't getting in and we had to leave. We were now loiterers. With nothing to do, I took the train down to the east village, hoping that Zach or Demetri would show and I would get to see two of my favorite comedians live for the first time. And thank Darius Rucker they did! They both showed up! And it turned out to be a great night after all!

After the show, I hung around the front of Riffifi's for awhile. Zach recognized me from earlier in the week and said I was a man of my word (I told him Monday I'd come see his next show). I found out that his uncle and my dad were college buddies in North Carolina. Matt Walsh was there, as were Leo Allen and Nick Kroll. But the highlight of my night was talking to Scot Armstrong about his new projects, mostly School for Scoundrels. He's nervous about it's numbers, seeing as it has some stiff competition (the Guardian, Jackass 2). I hope it does well though. The commercials may make it look bad, but supposedly they are misleading, and it's got a lot of familiar faces in it that I can't wait to see on the big screen (Jon Glaser, Aziz Ansari, Matt Walsh, Paul Scheer, Horatio, David Cross, Andy Daly). Scot, who contributed a lot to Elf, said Elf 2 got the axe. Which reminds me of a funny joke. Zach Galifianakis said he uses Axe Body Spray, or as black people call it, Ask Body Spray. Anyway, the official word is that Will Ferrell didn't want to get back in the tights. Too bad, because Scot said this one was actually really good- some sort of allegory of life. But he's happy that Will is starring in his newest movie about a 70's minor league ball (basketball? baseball? too loud to hear) team. Sounds like it'll be another hit.

funny short people!

2006-09-19T13:52:00.000-04:00

On my way home from work yesterday I ran into one of my favorite comedians of all time, Zach Galifianakis. He was sitting on a window ledge outside a Starbucks with his laptop, picking up their WiFi so he didn't have to go inside and pay 8 bucks for it. I stopped and introduced myself and found out he's a really nice guy. We talked about Dog Bites Man, Comedians of Comedy, and his recent move back to the City. He said he'll be doing the UCB a lot so I'm sure I'll be seeing a lot of him in the future.

Then an hour later I went down to the UCB for Bro'in Out, a very funny talk show with Leo Allen (SNL) and Tony Camin (Marijuanalogues). Tom Scharpling (writer for Monk and Tom Goes to the Mayor) was hilarious, as was Pete Holmes (Best Week Ever), but the star of the show was Chris Parnell. Among other things, he talked about his favorite SNL memories (touching Jennifer Garner's ass after Jimmy Fallon took his hand and pushed it on her) and the worst host (Tom Green- apparently Lorne thought he was going to be the next Andy Kaufman, so he let him do what he wanted with the show and he turned it into the Tom Green show, resulting in a show that Parnell didn't think was very funny). After the show I talked to him for a while and he was one of the nicest, most genuine, down to earth guys I've ever talked to. He said SNL had to cut 10 million from it's budget, resulting in the departure of him, Finesse, maybe Horatio (depending on whether or not he gets the Update seat), maybe Maya, and maybe Darrell. And of course Tina and Rachel left to do Tina's show, and he said Lorne's not adding anyone, so it'll be interesting to see how it plays out. It definitely won't be the same without him. When I asked him what he's up to now, he said he's just looking for work, and he's not sure if he'll be able to find enough work in the City or if he'll have to move back out to LA. But he said it in such a downtrodden way that I wanted to just hire him on the spot. Maybe in 20 or so years I'll have that oppurtunity. Stay tuned!

job update

2006-09-17T13:51:00.000-04:00

So far I've had a pretty easy time finding work in the city... well, unpaid work mostly, but work nonetheless. Before I moved, I applied for 2 internships- one with Rabbi Shmuley (below with Jacko) and one with the Charlie Rose Show. The first job I heard back about was with Shmuley. His assistant wanted me to come out to Shmuley's home for an interview. As it turns out, his house is in New Jersey. Moving to Manhattan for a job in New Jersey would be definitely out of the ordinary, but I was definitely willing to give it a try. After all, even my mom new Rabbi Shmuley. So when I was up here looking for apartments in August with Katie and my dad, I was able to set up a day to go interview for this position. Mapquest said his house was only 20 minutes away (with no traffic of course), but I wouldn't have a car, so to see what it would really be like, we took the A train up to the George Washington Bridge and then took a bus over to Jersey. About an hour and a half later we get to Shmuley's mansion. Instead of an interview, it was more like a run through of what I would be doing (personal assistant type work, M-F, 11-7, unpaid). Sounded alright. I guess. My dad didn't like Shmuley's assistant because he was awkward and didn't walk us out when we left. He later described him as "sqirrelly."

Fast forward a few days and I get an email from the Charlie Rose show to set up an interview there. This job is only 2 days a week to start, also unpaid, but at least it would give me a chance to get a paid job somewhere else. And this one wouldn't be a personal assistant type position, it would be a hands on job where I would work directly with the production of the show. As an intern, I would be responsible for working directly with the show's guests. And the Charlie Rose show brings in the big names, from presidents to actors and everyone in between. Needless to say, I wanted this job the most.

The only problem was that I was offered a postion with Shmuley starting September 5th, and my interview for the Charlie Rose show was the 6th. So I did the smart thing and went all the way out to NJ to start work at a place that I was hoping I wouldn't come back to. The commute was annoying and the job wasn't much better. I had to look up plane schedules to Brazil for the rabbi and his wife. Interestingly enough, Shmuley was in Norfolk/VA Beach that day, so I also had to call oceanfront hotels and ask for a comp room (a rich Jew asking for a free room- he's really breaking the stereotypes, don't you think?) . Two things really disturbed me that day. First, his assistant, the squirrelly guy I spoke of earlier, had a screen saver that said "choose life." Hmmm... Maybe it could mean something else. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then I heard why Shmuley was in VA Beach. He had a meeting with Pat Robertson. And it wasn't his first meeting with him. They're planning on writing a book together. This is when I knew I was in the wrong place. Now, Shmuley himself isn't conservative, in fact he's a self proclaimed feminist. But anyone who would sacrifice their moral beliefs (or just plain intelligence) to make a quick buck off of Pat Robertson's idiotic fanbase doesn't have a lot of cred in my book.

I left that day hoping I wouldn't come back. Hoping I wouldn't have to hear this Sandra Bernhard wannabe who was working that day talk about her supposed meeting with Spike Lee's editor and how she wants to milk Shmuley for everything he's worth ("do you realize how important he is?" she reminded me, "he's been on oprah.").

Thankfully, my interview the next day went well. Although I was nervous, because these types of positions are normally filled by communication and theatre majors. A background in psychology certainly doesn't impress TV. My saving grace was Giant Productions. If I didn't have Giant on my resume, I have no doubt I wouldn't have even been called for an interview. So long story short, I got the job! More to come later...

pics

2006-09-13T14:47:00.000-04:00

my street (w.46), taken from my roof

art parade in soho
(can you feel the pretensiousness?)

new blog!

2006-09-12T18:31:00.000-04:00

September 1st marked a strange day for me. It was the day that I moved away from everything I've ever known- Norfolk, my animals, my family, my best friend. And now I'm in an environment like no other- miles away from safety, security, and predictability. For kids who went to out of state colleges where they didn't know anybody, this might not seem like a huge deal. But I wasn't one of those kids. My commute home was only a couple of hours. Oh, and I went to the same school as my high school sweetheart. I've never known what it's like to truly be on your own. I've had family, friends, Katie, or a combination of the three with me all the way. Until now.

So this is the story of my move to the City. My goal is to keep anyone who's interested updated on my whereabouts. What I'm doing, where I'm working, to use a title from one of BET's critically acclaimed shows, "how i'm livin'."

I've been up here for only a week and a half and I've already experienced so much. So far living in New York City is hard to describe. I can tell you that I live in Hell’s Kitchen, only a few blocks away from every Broadway play out there, but I just can’t describe what it’s like to walk back from a late night grocery trip and see 150 people waiting outside in the rain for Usher to come out of the Shubert and sign Chicago playbills (by the way- he's just as hot in person). So far I’ve seen so many weird things just pass me by on the street. At the end of my block I witnessed a drug deal gone bad (seller- “I could kick your ass man! I’ll fucking beat the shit out of you!” buyer, over his shoulder as he walks away- “And you’ll go to jail! It probably won’t be the first time tonight!”). My first Sunday night a 60-year-old man in a little girl’s dress and a blonde wig in pigtails strutted past me on 8th avenue (“nobody else just saw that?” said a nearby teenager to his inattentive friends). Wednesday I had an interview in the Bloomberg Tower on Lexington Avenue and a minute before I was met for the interview, Emmitt Smith waltzes by with a posse of 5 white guys in suits.

It’s just a weird world up here. Just a few weeks ago I was watching Will Arnett and Amy Poehler on the red carpet at the Emmy’s. Then last weekend they’re back down in this dirty little theater in Chelsea, home to the greatest comedy on the east coast, which recently upgraded from plastic shit bags (bags attached to the ceilings to collect shit (literally and figuratively) from pipes that hang one foot overhead) to plastic shit buckets! A few nights ago I saw Sherrybaby in the lower east side and after the movie Maggie Gyllenhaal came out and answered questions for half an hour. It's just very surreal up here. No matter how many times I pass the Empire State Building or the Chrysler, I just can't help but stop and stare. And speaking of the Empire State Building, you can see it from my roof, which is just incredible. Here's a photo I snapped last night. The beams of light from the WTC site aren't as impressive on camera, but take my word- they were pretty amazing.