Are You In Realty? Yes? Then I Probably Hate You.
Since moving to New York we've come across our fair share of obnoxious realtors. There was the one who placed us in our first apartment, an attractive woman in her mid to late 30's who made us wait for an hour or so in her lobby before meeting with us. She attempted to live vicariously through her 9-year-old son by entering him into the exciting world of child acting. There was the woman who had a mini break down when she found out the building owner locked the door to the apartment we were supposed to see. After trying every key on her keychain, she said, loudly, "He was supposed to leave this unlocked! I don't have the keys for this! What am I supposed to do???" Easy, lady. We don't want to live in Washington Heights anyway. There was the smooth-talking Jewish guy who showed up late to our appointment and kept his car parked illegally across the street while he showed us the apartment. He delivered the sell line that must work on 95% of his clients, "You guys ever been in a big apartment?", right before opening the door to a palatial 800 sq. foot apartment. WOW!!! I'll take three of them!!! Unfortunately, we couldn't find out a lot about this place because he spent 4 of the 5 minutes we were there on his cell phone, arranging his next appointment.
Now we're looking for new digs, and I think I came across the worst apartment listing EVER. It's a 1BR going for $1600 in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. Pretty reasonable price, depending on the section of the neighborhood. But the pictures. Oh god the pictures.
The apartment comes complete with a floor.
Pay the first two months upfront and we'll throw in this door to a black hole.
Did I mention the apartment has a floor? And yellow lighting?
There's even a rape den. Ready to sign?
These were all the pictures in the ad. This realtor had a space on the page for 4 pictures, and she carefully chose these. Are you fucking kidding me, Rapid Realty? The sad thing about this is that the apartment is probably already rented. And it probably rented for more than the asking price. So if you're a douchebag and you have a digital camera and a shaky hand, why don't you come on up to New York and sell apartments? We've been waiting for someone special like you!
And now my weekly video round-up:
The Will Ferrell video is pretty funny and the shadow puppeteer won my entire family over, but this Hillary and Barack mashup is my favorite, mostly because of its fucking awesome soundtrack: