Slomming

Hello again. Sorry for the lack of posts recently. I can explain. I've been kind of preoccupied lately. You see, I've taken up slomming.

In case you aren't familiar with the practice, slomming stands for Sticking Leeches On Myself. It's the latest craze in drug use, sponsored by the National Youth Anti-Drug Media Campaign (they'll try anything to get kids off pot). I'd never heard of this new sensation before I saw the ads for it. They're everywhere- infiltrating airtime during teen programs like Reba, popping up at the top of MySpace pages, I even came across a slomming ad at the dentist's office when I was parusing the latest edition of Highlights Magazine. According to its official website, abovetheinfluence.com, slomming has a few alternate definitions. The noun "slomming" is defined as "A series of decisions that sucks the life out of a person." The verb "to slom" means "To engage in an activity without thinking" and also "To make a decision based on wannabeitis." I'm pretty sure that means it gets you majorly fucked up. So basically I had to try it. I took this picture during my first slom sesh (I don't even remember taking it!).

The results were incredible. It's definitely a high like no others. Coke highs are too short. Heroin highs leave me with menstrual irregularity. And don't get me started on PCP. I'm just so thankful that the Office of National Drug Control Policy decided to spend America's hard-earned tax dollars on these expensive advertisements. I feel like I'm living life for the first time! I mean, I would be hard pressed to think of a better use of a Thursday night than slomming my brains out and watching Step by Step reruns on ABC Family (Patrick Duffy and leeches go hand-in-hand).

After I got tired of the usual slomming method, I started freebasing leeches. That was fun for awhile, but it really messed up my nice spoons. I think the healthiest approach is using a vaporizer. I simply set my vaporizer to the special leech temperature, put the leeches on the electrically heated metal plate, let the machine go to work for a few minutes, and then inhale the vapors through a tube. This eliminates tars and other unhealthy additives found in store bought leeches. It makes for a much healthier slomming experience.

If you want to try slomming, I definitely recommend it. I have to warn you, however, that slomming may be a gateway drug. I've started dabbling in ULWEPing (Using Live Wasps as EarPlugs) and IPSIMRing (Inserting Poisonous Scorpions Into My Rectum). These are also fun ways to pass the time until the next 2 hour episode of American Idol. So what are you waiting for? Get slomming!